The joke thread II - Page 125

Col7777 · 05-27-20, 01:09 AM

I was really distraught when I woke up today to find thieves had broken in and stolen my rare minerals and soils collection.

It wasn't worth much, but it had a lot of sedimental value.

Eisenwurst · 05-27-20, 02:35 AM

Confucius says "Man who run through Airport Turnstiles backwards, going Bangkok."

Platapus · 05-27-20, 05:07 AM

You know those sex toys that people put in their yards that look like little houses with the hole in the side?

Evidently they are intended for birds

#awkwardtalkingtoneighbors

Platapus · 05-27-20, 05:08 AM

What would happen if women, instead of having periods, would have apostrophes?

I think they would be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.

Jimbuna · 05-27-20, 10:04 AM

Can’t believe I’ve been banned from Walmart. Apparently when the checkout girl said “strip down facing me” she was talking about my credit card.

Jimbuna · 05-27-20, 10:05 AM

Woman: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Man: “No… But your face does.”

Col7777 · 05-27-20, 11:58 AM

I've left three separate notes scattered around the house for my girlfriend.

They say... "Will", "You" & "Me"

That'll keep her busy whilst I watch the TV.

Eisenwurst · 05-27-20, 06:56 PM

What happens when you sing Country Music backwards?

You get your wife and job back.

Col7777 · 05-28-20, 12:45 AM

I hate people who use decimal numbers.

If I was in charge, I'd round them all up.

Col7777 · 05-28-20, 12:46 AM

There's been an explosion at the paint factory where my brother works.

He's missing, presumed red.

Eisenwurst · 05-28-20, 02:53 AM

What's the definition of a Gentleman?

Someone who knows how to play the Accordion, but doesn't.

Platapus · 05-28-20, 06:10 AM

What's the definition of a cad?

A man who does not tell his wife that he has had a vasectomy until after she gets pregnant.

Col7777 · 05-28-20, 08:25 AM

My doctor said I have repetitive strain injury on my eye lids.

It's a blinking nuisance.

Jimbuna · 05-28-20, 10:32 AM

I had a wet dream about someone who looked just like you last night. I peed myself laughing when I hit you with a car.

Jimbuna · 05-28-20, 10:33 AM

Just recently finished a jigsaw puzzle in only 5 months, the box said 2-4 years.

05-27-20, 01:09 AM	#1861
Col7777 Grey Wolf Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Manchester UK Posts: 944 Downloads: 260 Uploads: 0	I was really distraught when I woke up today to find thieves had broken in and stolen my rare minerals and soils collection. It wasn't worth much, but it had a lot of sedimental value. __________________ Silent and Violent

05-27-20, 02:35 AM	#1862
Eisenwurst Silent Hunter Join Date: Jan 2010 Posts: 3,633 Downloads: 58 Uploads: 0	Confucius says "Man who run through Airport Turnstiles backwards, going Bangkok." __________________

05-27-20, 05:07 AM	#1863
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,975 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	You know those sex toys that people put in their yards that look like little houses with the hole in the side? Evidently they are intended for birds #awkwardtalkingtoneighbors __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

05-27-20, 05:08 AM	#1864
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,975 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	What would happen if women, instead of having periods, would have apostrophes? I think they would be more possessive and have more frequent contractions. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

05-27-20, 10:04 AM	#1865
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Can’t believe I’ve been banned from Walmart. Apparently when the checkout girl said “strip down facing me” she was talking about my credit card. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

05-27-20, 10:05 AM	#1866
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Woman: “Does this dress make me look fat?” Man: “No… But your face does.” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

05-27-20, 11:58 AM	#1867
Col7777 Grey Wolf Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Manchester UK Posts: 944 Downloads: 260 Uploads: 0	I've left three separate notes scattered around the house for my girlfriend. They say... "Will", "You" & "Me" That'll keep her busy whilst I watch the TV. __________________ Silent and Violent

05-27-20, 06:56 PM	#1868
Eisenwurst Silent Hunter Join Date: Jan 2010 Posts: 3,633 Downloads: 58 Uploads: 0	What happens when you sing Country Music backwards? You get your wife and job back. __________________

05-28-20, 12:45 AM	#1869
Col7777 Grey Wolf Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Manchester UK Posts: 944 Downloads: 260 Uploads: 0	I hate people who use decimal numbers. If I was in charge, I'd round them all up. __________________ Silent and Violent

05-28-20, 12:46 AM	#1870
Col7777 Grey Wolf Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Manchester UK Posts: 944 Downloads: 260 Uploads: 0	There's been an explosion at the paint factory where my brother works. He's missing, presumed red. __________________ Silent and Violent

05-28-20, 02:53 AM	#1871
Eisenwurst Silent Hunter Join Date: Jan 2010 Posts: 3,633 Downloads: 58 Uploads: 0	What's the definition of a Gentleman? Someone who knows how to play the Accordion, but doesn't. __________________

05-28-20, 06:10 AM	#1872
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,975 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	What's the definition of a cad? A man who does not tell his wife that he has had a vasectomy until after she gets pregnant. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

05-28-20, 08:25 AM	#1873
Col7777 Grey Wolf Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Manchester UK Posts: 944 Downloads: 260 Uploads: 0	My doctor said I have repetitive strain injury on my eye lids. It's a blinking nuisance. __________________ Silent and Violent

05-28-20, 10:32 AM	#1874
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I had a wet dream about someone who looked just like you last night. I peed myself laughing when I hit you with a car. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

05-28-20, 10:33 AM	#1875
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Just recently finished a jigsaw puzzle in only 5 months, the box said 2-4 years. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)