The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

Whoever persuaded blind people they need to wear sunglasses must have been one hell of a salesman.

[Jimbuna]

Had a one night stand last year that went horribly wrong, we’re now married.

[Col7777]

I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on.
This one was written in London.

[Col7777]

A fella decides he's going decorate the staircase so he knocks on the next door neighbours door to ask him how many rolls of wallpaper he got when he did his. The fella replies, "10."
So off he goes to the shop to pick the wallpaper.
Once he has the wallpaper on the walls he knocks on the neighbours door again and says, "I got 10 rolls for my staircase but I was 2 rolls short," and the neighbour says, "So was I."

[Jimbuna]

Someone close to me died the other day. Luckily there was another space available on the bus so I moved seats.

[Jimbuna]

Yesterday my boss told me “Don’t dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want”. Today when I turned up at the office dressed like a Ghostbuster he told me I was fired.

[Col7777]

I took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents. We had a lovely evening and, after she'd gone, my dad leaned over and said, "Son, I think this one's a keeper."

"Awww dad, what makes you say that?"

"She smells of elephant dung."

[Mr Quatro]

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for some Irish whisky, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

[Jimbuna]

Just spent the last hour tightening every bottle top and jar in my house. That will teach my wife for saying she doesn’t need me anymore.

[Jimbuna]

My wife used to be afraid of the dark until she saw me naked, now she’s afraid of the light.

[Col7777]

My boss asked me to get him a bulldog clip today.

So I emailed him a YouTube video of one riding a skateboard.

Col.

[Jimbuna]

Earlier today Prince Philip sent a message to the President wishing him a happy Independence Day. His message said “You did a great job destroying the alien mothership and humanity is forever grateful.”

[Jimbuna]

A lion would never cheat on his wife but a Tiger Wood.

[Col7777]

My son came in from school and said, "The teacher gave me a B for my Biology practical."

I said, "That's good, well done."

He said, "No it isn't. Everyone else got a frog to cut up."

[Col7777]

I helped my wife with the dinner last night.

I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.