The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

Just got fired from my job recently for concentrating too much. I work at an orange juice factory!

[Jimbuna]

Went to a barbershop today for a shave. The barber wanted me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth to get a closer shave around my cheeks.

I said: “What if I swallow the ball?”
He said: “No problem, just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else.”

[Jimbuna]

Got an email today from someone trying to sell me Mount Everest for £1 million. I told him it was a bit steep.

[Platapus]

My doctor prescribed an anti-gloating cream for me to use


I can't wait to rub it in.

[Jimbuna]

I remember the days when ‘Blue Ray’ was an elderly gentleman who drowned in our local swimming pool.

[Jimbuna]

In my previous job I used to take a lot of notes. I got fired after they started checking the cash register.

[Jimbuna]

It’s amazing how quickly the sales staff at Ikea come to “assist you” once you take off your trousers and get into one of their beds.

[Jimbuna]

Man: Hi wanna dance?
Woman: Yeah sure!
Man: Ok go and dance, I want to talk to your friend!

[Jimbuna]

Yo mamas so fat when she went waterskiing someone tried to shoot her with a harpoon.

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so stupid she got sacked from her job at the bank for stealing pens.

[Jimbuna]

Just told my wife I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist. She told me she’s been seeing a psychiatrist, a bartender and 2 plumbers.

[Jimbuna]

Whoever persuaded blind people they need to wear sunglasses must have been one hell of a salesman.

[Jimbuna]

After being arrested and interrogated today I’ve now discovered that shouting “bomb” at the top of your voice is a bad way to keep yourself amused while waiting at an airport.

[Platapus]

Question for parents: When your toddler has pancakes for breakfast, do they pour the syrup on the floor or the table first?

[Jimbuna]

Q. Why did the zebra beat the horse at chess?
A. Because it’s a-frican genius.