The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

Just read in the newspaper that lots of Americans have been sending their old clothes to the poor in Africa.

Wast of time in my opinion. I’ve never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

[Jimbuna]

Just been fired from my new job at the bank.

An old lady asked me to check her balance so I jumped on her back.

[Jimbuna]

Just woken up with rice on my face.
I must have fallen asleep as soon as my head hit the pilau.

[Texas Red]

My grandpa said I was too reliant on technology.
I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

[Catfish]

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

Just read in the newspaper that lots of Americans have been sending their old clothes to the poor in Africa.
Wast of time in my opinion. I’ve never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

America has become a waist land

[Jimbuna]

It’s sad how scary travelling has become since terrorism started.
I remember the old days when seeing an unattended bag made you feel happy because you could take it home without feeling scared and sometimes it had a laptop inside.

[Jimbuna]

Marks and Spencer have recently announced they are going to merge with Poundstrecher.

The new supermarket will be called StrechMarks.

[Texas Red]

What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick

[Jimbuna]

Moved to China last week and I think I’ve got a female stalker.
I’ve seen her about ten million times already today.

[Jimbuna]

Last night my wife allowed me to go on top.
I love bunk beds!!

[Catfish]

What does Trump do after he dies?
He lies still.

[Catfish]

"Oh Deep Cave, why are you so unlucky?"
"You would not understand, Litte Arrow."

[Jimbuna]

Customer: What’s the WiFi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Customer: Ok, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: $10 please.
Customer: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase!

[Jimbuna]

Found out today that some of the most famous French food doesn’t even come from France. Apparently French fries are actually cooked in Greece?

[Mr Quatro]

American History Review circa 2020:


The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry,

1775," he said.

"Very good!

Who said: 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"

Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing.

"Let's try one a bit more difficult. Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?"

Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "F¿¿¿ the Japs."

"Who said that? I want to know right now!" ...she angrily demanded.

Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now who said that?"

Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little sh**! If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh sh**, we're screwed!"

Little Akio said quietly, "The American public if Joe Biden gets elected."