The joke thread II

[Platapus]

If pessimism were an Olympic event


I probably wouldn't win.

[Jimbuna]

A pirate walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender is amazed by this, seeing an actual pirate. So he asks;
"Is that a real hook on your hand?"
"Aye, I were in a duel with me ol' nemesis, and lost me hand in the struggle."
The bartender is shocked, and continues by asking;
"Is that a real pegleg?"
"Aye, tis. I was out at sea, 'nd our ship were fired upon. Lost me leg in the crossfire."
The bartender couldnt believe it! A real pirate! So he asks him;
"How about your eyepatch? How did you get that?"
"Arr, I was just getting to shore, when a seagull pooped in me eye."
"And you lost your eye from that?"
"No, I just still wasn't used to the hook."

[magic452]

An attractive blonde decides that she is going to Hollywood to become a star. She buys an economy class ticket for a flight to Los Angeles and after the plane is airborne she notices an empty seat in first class. She gets up from her seat and walks into first class and sits down. A Flight Attendant tells her she can't sit in a seat she didn't book. The woman replies, "I'm staying here because I'm blonde, beautiful and I'm going to Los Angeles." The Attendant can't get her to go back to her original seat so she goes into the cockpit and describes the problem. The Co-pilot says that he will talk to her but after much discussion the woman keeps saying, "I'm staying here because I'm blonde, beautiful and I'm going to Los Angeles." The Co-pilot goes back to the cockpit and tells the Captain they will need the police when the flight arrives in Los Angeles. The Captain says, "My ex-wife is blonde and I can speak to this blonde in a way she understands. He goes to the woman's seat, leans over and whispers in her ear. The blonde says, "Oh, I didn't know that. Thank you." She gets up and walks back to her economy class seat. The other two crew members are amazed and want to know what the Captain said. "I told her that the first class section isn't going to Los Angeles." he replied.


Magic

[Jimbuna]

A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read: “Here lies John Smith, a lawyer and an honest man.”
“How about that!” he exclaimed. “They’ve got three people buried in one grave.”

[Platapus]

Me as a kid: "Mom, why did dad leave the two of us?"


My mom: "We tossed a coin and I lost."

[Jimbuna]

A man is walking on the beach and he finds a lamp. He picks it up and rubs it and to his amazement a Genie appears.

“You have released me of my prison and I shall reward you with three wishes,” the Genie says.

“Any caveats?” The man asks.

“Yes,” the Genie says. “Any request you make I will reward twice as much to every terrorist on Earth. So be careful what you wish for.”

The man thinks for a second then says, “Ok.”

The Genie looks shocked. “What is your first wish?”

“I want to be financially secure for the rest of my life,” he says. “I wish I could win the lottery the first week it is over 100 million.”

“No problem. Your wish is granted. Do not forget to play the lottery when it is over 100 million,” the Genie says. “Remember, all of the terrorist of the world will be rewarded with a winning lottery of 200 million. I don't know why you did not just wish for 100 million.”

Yeah, yeah. Next I would like to be happy,” the man says. “I wish to have peace of mind and happiness for the rest of my life.”

“The wish is granted,” the Genie says. “The terrorists of the world will be twice as happy about that wish. Your final wish?”

“I wish you would beat me half to death,” he answered.

[Catfish]

I asked my german friend if he knew the square root of 81.

He said no.

[Jimbuna]

A man sees a gorilla in his backyard tree. He calls animal control and an officer arrives equipped with a stick, handcuffs, a German Shepherd and a shotgun.

He says "I'll climb up there with this stick and knock him out of the tree. When he hits the ground, Brutus here will go for his nuts and when he tries to protect them, you slap on the handcuffs."

The homeowner agrees but when the officer is halfway up the tree he hollers after him "Hey, wait a second, what's this shotgun for?

The officer replies "Oh, right. If I fall out of the tree, shoot Brutus. "

[Platapus]

Breaking News: Someone stole the pillows from the police station


Police vow that they won't rest until they are recovered

[Jeff-Groves]

I'm gonna start a New Buddhist Restaurant.
I'm gonna name it Karma.
There will be no menu.
You'll get what you deserve!

[Jimbuna]

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:
"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government
only has to pay a maximum of $6000. Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

[Platapus]

Breaking news: Someone has been stealing the wheels off of police cars


Police are working tirelessly to catch the suspects.

[Jimbuna]

Mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines from Singapore to New York.The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes????

'The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the pretty flight attendant.

So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?'

The flight attendant responded, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me that?' The little boy admitted that she did.

“Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Singapore Airlines always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you.!!!”

[Platapus]

A man was arrested for illegally downloading all of Wikipedia
As the police were handcuffing him, he said, "wait, I can explain everything!"

[Jimbuna]

Grandma in Court!
In a trial, the prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him".
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and, in a very quiet voice, said,
"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."