The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

Bob: "Holy crap, I just fell off a 50 ft ladder."
Jim: "Oh my God, are you okay?"
Bob: "Yeah it's a good thing I fell off the first step."

[Von Due]

- Is there a doctor here?
- Yes, I am a doctor
- What's your specialty
- I'm a doctor in Mathematics
- Good God! My friend here is DYING!
- Minus one

[Platapus]

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

“What's wrong?” the others ask. “I work for 7 Up!”

At least he did not work for Heinz

[Jimbuna]

Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church. One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, "Where is God?" The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, "Where is God?" The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet. Eventually his brother found him and asked, "What's wrong?" The crying boy replied, "We're in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!"

[Jimbuna]

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
Nobody stands up
Teacher: "I'm sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
Little Johnny stands up
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

[Platapus]

Teacher asks the class to say a three syllable word and use it in a sentence.



Dirty Johnny raises hand, but the teacher wisely overlooks him and calls on Sally


Sally says "wonderful. My teacher is wonderful"


That's very nice, said the teacher, who wants to be next?


Dirty Johnny is standing up wildly waving his hands. The teacher, knowing Dirty Johnny chooses Bobby.


Bobby says "Beautiful. My teacher is beautiful.



The teacher smiles and asks for who wants to be next.


Dirty Johnny is jumping up and down "pick me!!!!!"


With great trepidation, the teacher says "go ahead"


Dirty Johnny proudly says "Urinate."


The teacher interrupts and says, "why did you choose that word?"


Johnny continues "but if you wore make-up, you could be a nine!"

[Jimbuna]

Teacher: "What is the chemical formula for water?"
Student: "HIJKLMNO."
Teacher: "What are you talking about?"
Student: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!"

[Jimbuna]

If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then lefties are the only ones in their right mind.

[Platapus]

I found an exercise that I can finally commit to doing


I call it Diddly-squats


Every day, I do diddly squat. This I will commit to.

[Buddahaid]

Originally Posted by Platapus

I found an exercise that I can finally commit to doing


I call it Diddly-squats


Every day, I do diddly squat. This I will commit to.

[Jimbuna]

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change it and another one to change it back again.

[Jimbuna]

Q: What happens once in a minute and twice in a moment but never in a decade?
A: The letter "m."

[Jimbuna]

A child goes to his father and asks, "Father, how do parents think of names for their children?" The father answers, "Well, son, the night before the mother gives birth, the father goes into the woods and camps for the night. When he wakes the following morning, the first thing he sees is what he names his child, which is why your sister is named Soaring Eagle. Why do you ask, Bear Poop?"

[Jimbuna]

At the doctor's office, Tom was getting a check up. "I have good news and bad news," says the doctor. "The good news is you have 24 hours left to live." Tom replies, "That's the good news?!" Then the doctor says, "The bad news is I should have told you that yesterday."

[Platapus]

My wife told me to be sure to put ketchup on the grocery shopping list.


Now I can't read the damn thing!