The joke thread II

[Platapus]

A man sued an airline company after they couldn’t find his luggage.



He lost his case.

[Jimbuna]

There are three types of people in the world.

Those who can count and those who can’t.

[Jeff-Groves]

A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that you already kicked them in the nut sack.

[Jimbuna]

A famous magician does a wonderful trick during a performance. A man in the audience yells out "How did you do that?" The magician warns him "I could tell you, but then I would have to kill you."
The man thinks about it and then replies "Could you tell my wife?

[Platapus]

After 25 years together my wife and I still can find interesting things to talk about.


Not with each other, of course.

[Jimbuna]

Two men are staring at a pole. After a while a blonde woman walks up to them and asks them what they are looking at.

One of them says, " We are trying to determine the height of the pole." So the blonde woman quickly opens her purse, removes a spanner, unscrews the bolts and lays the pole flat on the ground. She then pulls out a measuring tape, measures the distance between the two ends, tells the value to the two men and walks away.

After hearing this one man tells the other, "What an idiot! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

[Platapus]

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey.


Then I turned myself around.

[Platapus]

What’s brown and sticky?




A stick.

[Jeff-Groves]

Found an old record in a second hand shop that said Sounds Wasps Make.
Bought it and took it home, put it on the record player and thought, that does not sound like a wasp.



Then I realized I was playing the B side.

[Jimbuna]

Husband is throwing darts at his wife's photo and not even a single one is hitting the target

From another room the wife called the husband: Honey what are you doing?

Husband: MISSING YOU...

[Jimbuna]

Man on phone: "Honey I've been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box. We're leaving from office & I'll swing by the house to pick my things. Oh, please pack my new blue silk pyjamas!"

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but being a good wife she did exactly as her husband said.
The following weekend he came home a little tired but looking good..

The wife welcomed him & asked if he caught many fish?

He said "Yes, Lots of Salmon, Blue gill & a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my blue silk pyjamas?"

She says, "I did.....They're in your fishing box "

[Platapus]

Husband talking to his wife


"You are the only one in my life"


"Awww that's so sweet of you to say"


"Yes, all the others are sixes and sevens"

[Jimbuna]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a
coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad, says he man
"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress... "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[magic452]

A guy buys a chicken then decides to go to the movies so he shoves the chicken down his pants, buys a ticket and sits next to a couple of ladies. Halfway through the movie one lady says to the other "This guy's pants are unzipped!". Other one says "Who cares. If you've seen one you've seen them all". The first one says "Yes, but this one's eating my popcorn!".


Magic

[Jimbuna]

A ship goes down at sea and two survivors wash up on the shore of an island--a man and a Chihuahua.
The only other inhabitants of the island are harmless native sheep that roam and feed aimlessly on the lush grass. Conditions are primitive, but the man and Chihuahua coexist peacefully for several years.
The man eventually comes to the realization that he will never be rescued. Sadly he begins composing a mental list all the things he will never be able to enjoy again.... wine...women...song... By far the most painful thing to accept is that he will never have sex with a woman again.
One day, sitting at the fire beside the little dog, the man's eyes widen abruptly and he looks up the side of the mountain at the herd of sheep. Why, yes, why not? Who would ever know?
He goes up the mountain, picks out a particularly docile looking ewe, walks up behind her and lowers his trousers. Just as he does so the Chihuahua begins yapping frantically, dancing around him, and nipping at his ankles. Nothing he does or says will make the dog stop. After several minutes of trying to quiet the Chihuahua he gives up on the ewe. The mood is spoiled.
He tries again, multiple times over the next few weeks and months, but it's always the same. The Chihuahua is always underfoot, driving him to distraction. Eventually he abandons the idea entirely.
One day, out on the horizon, he sees a ship going down--same reef that doomed his ship. He watches it sink, there's nothing he can do. The next day while walking the beach searching through the debris that is washing up he discovers a woman, half in/half out of the water, barely alive.
She is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen!
He quickly clears the sand and seaweed from her mouth and restores her breathing. He carries her back to his camp and nurses her carefully.
She is unconscious for several days. When at last she is awake and able to speak she looks him over and says," I am so grateful for all you have done for me...you saved my life...I don't know if I can ever repay you, but I want you to know that I will do anything to try...and I do mean anything..."
The man thinks for a moment, then his eyes widen abruptly, and he asks," Would you mind babysitting this Chihuahua for about 5 minutes?"