The joke thread II

[Platapus]

Most chairs are satin

[magic452]

Two old ladies Dolly and Ruby were talking about their grandchildren.
Dolly said, "Each year I send each of my grandchildren a card with a generous check inside. I never hear from them... never receive a thank you message."
Ruby replies, "I too send my grandchildren a very generous check. I hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they each pay me a personal visit."
"Wow! How come ?”remarked Dolly.
"Very simple solution... I don't sign the check!"


Magic

[Jimbuna]

What do you call the wife of a hippie?

A Mississippi.

[Jimbuna]

Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.

Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?

Boy: Yes… grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too… and she’s the best cook and story teller in the whole world!

Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there!

Boy: What problem?!

Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother!

Boy: Why not?! You married mine!

[Jimbuna]

A man and woman who had never met before and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping
room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and a bit uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman to say, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.

"'Good", she replied "Get your own fricking blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

[Jimbuna]

Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

[Jimbuna]

Why did I get divorce, you ask? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't get me a present and didn't even wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my co-workers didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" That moment, I felt so special. She then asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

[Jimbuna]

A guy is driving along with his friend, and he goes right through a red light. His friend says, "What are you doing?", and he replies, "Never mind, will you? My brother drives like this."

He goes a little bit further, comes to another red light and goes right through it. "What are you doing?" "I told you, will you stop it, my brother drives like this!"

Then further down the road, he comes to a green light and stops. His friend is confused. "What are you doing now?!", and he replies, "Well, my brother might be coming the other way."

[Jimbuna]

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Victoria University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring intently at him.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[magic452]

A small town police chief decides he has to hire an officer so he puts an ad in the town newspaper. Gomer, one of the boys from the pool hall, decides he will apply and goes for an interview. The Chief asks him "How much is 1 and 1?" Gomer pauses and answers, "Eleven". The Chief thinks that maybe he should have been specific and asked "1 plus 1", so he tells Gomer to name the days of the week that begin with "T". After a little longer pause he answers, "today and tomorrow." The Chief can't decide if Gomer is clueless or just has an ability to think outside the box so he asks him, "Who killed John F. Kennedy?" Gomer takes a while and finally says that he doesn't know. That decides it for the Chief so he sends Gomer home. When Gomer gets back to the pool hall they ask him how the interview went and Gomer replies, "Great, I answered the questions and now the Chief gave me a murder case to solve!"


Magic

[Jimbuna]

One day; while walking to his car - comrade Krushchev comes upon his driver, eating grass.

"What are you doing?" "Don't you have any food to eat?" "I pay you a monthly salary!"

The driver responds; "Comrade Krushchev, i can barely feed my family with that money. Please! I'm begging you, can i have a promotion?"

Comrade Krushchev obliges.

Later in the evening; Stalin's driver sees Krushchev's driver buying drinks for everyone at the local bar.

After hearing the story; Stalin's driver tries the same thing.

After his superior sees him eating grass; Comrade Stalin demands to know what he is doing.

"Comrade Stalin, please; i can't afford to even feed my family with the wage you pay me!"

Comrade Stalin responds. "Well, for goodness sake then; don't be so greedy! Save some of my lawn for your family!"

[Jimbuna]

There's a bar on the 90th floor of the Empire State Building
A regular at the bar was chatting with some tourists...

Regular: you know, there's a secret about this building. If you jump out this window, there's an updraft at the 80th story that will bring you right back into this bar.

Tourist: Really?

Regular: Watch me

the regular jumps out the window and drops from 90 to 85...80...and he flies right back up into the window.

Tourist: That was so cool!

Regular: you try it

Tourist: Okay

the tourist nervously jumps out the window and drops form 90 to 85...80...60...and he falls to his death.

Bartender: You know, you can be a real a$$hole when you've been drinking, Superman!

[Jimbuna]

Guy: Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant, but we always use protection, and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story: “There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. To scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!

Guy: Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion.

Doctor: Good! You understood the story. Next patient please.

[Jeff-Groves]

The IRS sends their auditor to audit a synagogue.

The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.

“Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked.

“A good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer.

So, he thought he’d try another question, in his obnoxious way. “Rabbi, what
about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?

“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi calmly, “we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?”

“Yes, here too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi.

“What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough, we actually send them to the IRS.”

“To the IRS ?” questioned the auditor in disbelief.

“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, “directly to The IRS …And, about once a year, they send us a little ^#(*% like you.”

[Jimbuna]

Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there.
He used to sit on the chair, read the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny, great look.

One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO:
"What do you think of the stock market situation?"

The CEO arrogantly asks him:
"Why are you so interested in this subject?"

The shoeshine man replies:
"I have 20 million dollars deposited in your bank and I am thinking about investing part of the money in the stock market."

The CEO of the bank asks:
"What is your name?"

He replies:
"John Smith H."

The CEO arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Major Accounts Department:
"Do we have a customer named John Smith H.?"

He replies:
"We certainly do, sir! He is an extremely esteemed customer! He has 20 million dollars in his account."

The CEO leaves the bank, approaches the shoeshine boy, and says:
"Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you to be our guest of honor at our board meeting next Monday and tell us your life story. I'm sure we will have a lot to learn from you."

At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members:
"We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine like no one else. But Mr. Smith is also our valued customer, with twenty million dollars in his account.

I invited him to tell us the story of his life. I'm sure we can learn a lot from him. Please, Mr. Smith, tell us your life story."

Then, Mr. Smith began to narrate his story:
"I came to this country thirty years ago as a young immigrant from Eastern Europe and with an unpronounceable name. I left the ship penniless in my pocket.

The first thing I did was to change my name to Smith.

I was hungry and exhausted. I started to wander in search for a job, but without success.

Suddenly, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought some apples.

I had two options: eat the apples and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apples for 50 cents and bought more apples with the money.

When I started accumulating dollars, I managed to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polishes and started cleaning shoes.

I didn't spend a dime on fun or clothes. I only bought bread and cheese to survive.

I saved penny by penny and after a while I bought a new set of brushes and shoe polishes in different shades and colors and increased my clientele.

I lived like a monk and saved every penny. I managed to buy a chair so that my customers could sit comfortably while I cleaned their shoes, which brought me more customers.

I didn't spend a dime on the pleasures of life. I kept saving every penny.

A few years ago, when the corner shoeshine colleague decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his point, which was a better place than mine.

Finally, 3 months ago, my drug dealer brother passed away and left me 20 million dollars.