The joke thread II - Page 135

Eisenwurst · 06-23-20, 11:55 PM

Buddha goes into a "Subway"

"Make me one with everything".

Jimbuna · 06-24-20, 10:14 AM

The England team visited an orphanage today in Poland.

‘It was amazing to put a smile on the faces of a group of people who constantly struggle and have little hope’

said Jan Zamoyski, aged 6

Jimbuna · 06-24-20, 10:15 AM

The weather forecast for tonight…. Dark!

Platapus · 06-24-20, 11:11 AM

If lawyers are disbarred and priests are defrocked, then...

Electricians are delighted

Corpses are decrypted

Cowboys are deranged

Models are deposed

Underwear models are debriefed

Dry cleaners are depressed, decreased and depleted

Jilted women are debrided

HVAC technicians are deducted

Tennis linemen are defaulted

Florists are deflowered

Students are detested

Hostels are debunked

Spies are debugged and detailed

Corporations are deformed and delimited

Celibate people are delayed

Chauffeurs are derided

Record keepers are described

Plumbers are dethroned

Clerks are defiled

Traffic cops are defined

Naturists are denuded

Election officials are devoted

Accountants are decertified

Builders are deconstructed

Confused people are demystified

Intelligence officials are declassified

Interpreters for the deaf are designed

Road builders are degraded

Waiters are deserved

Horses put out to stud are desired

Castles are demoted

Organ donors are delivered

Anything certain is depending

Platapus · 06-24-20, 11:16 AM

After the Russian election Putin meets with his staff

Mr. Putin, we have some good news and some bad news about this election

OK, what's the bad news.

Sir, The bad news is that your opponent received 65% of the vote

What's the good news

Sir, the good news is that you received 75% of the vote.

Catfish · 06-24-20, 02:20 PM

^and ^^

Texas Red · 06-24-20, 06:04 PM

My girlfriend asked me if I ever wanted to get married.

Apparently, “when I meet the right girl” was the wrong answer.

Col7777 · 06-25-20, 01:55 AM

This morning the doctor said I have attention deficit something or another, I dunno I wasn't really listening.

Platapus · 06-25-20, 09:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

The weather forecast for tonight…. Dark!

Continuing darkness until early morning light.

Jimbuna · 06-25-20, 01:48 PM

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic’?

Jimbuna · 06-25-20, 01:49 PM

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Col7777 · 06-25-20, 02:04 PM

It's my first day working in the library.

So, to make a good impression, I've organised all the books by size.

Platapus · 06-25-20, 02:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

If a tomato is a fruit
Is ketchup a smoothy?

Col7777 · 06-26-20, 02:38 AM

I remembered my wedding anniversary today.

It was last week.

Jimbuna · 06-26-20, 01:21 PM

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the M25. Motorists have been asked to be on the lookout for 15 hardened criminals.

06-23-20, 11:55 PM	#2011
Eisenwurst Silent Hunter Join Date: Jan 2010 Posts: 3,623 Downloads: 58 Uploads: 0	Buddha goes into a "Subway" "Make me one with everything". __________________

06-24-20, 10:14 AM	#2012
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	The England team visited an orphanage today in Poland. ‘It was amazing to put a smile on the faces of a group of people who constantly struggle and have little hope’ said Jan Zamoyski, aged 6 __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

06-24-20, 10:15 AM	#2013
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	The weather forecast for tonight…. Dark! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

06-24-20, 11:11 AM	#2014
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,971 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	For the love of De If lawyers are disbarred and priests are defrocked, then... Electricians are delighted Corpses are decrypted Cowboys are deranged Models are deposed Underwear models are debriefed Dry cleaners are depressed, decreased and depleted Jilted women are debrided HVAC technicians are deducted Tennis linemen are defaulted Florists are deflowered Students are detested Hostels are debunked Spies are debugged and detailed Corporations are deformed and delimited Celibate people are delayed Chauffeurs are derided Record keepers are described Plumbers are dethroned Clerks are defiled Traffic cops are defined Naturists are denuded Election officials are devoted Accountants are decertified Builders are deconstructed Confused people are demystified Intelligence officials are declassified Interpreters for the deaf are designed Road builders are degraded Waiters are deserved Horses put out to stud are desired Castles are demoted Organ donors are delivered Anything certain is depending __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

06-24-20, 11:16 AM	#2015
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,971 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	After the Russian election Putin meets with his staff Mr. Putin, we have some good news and some bad news about this election OK, what's the bad news. Sir, The bad news is that your opponent received 65% of the vote What's the good news Sir, the good news is that you received 75% of the vote. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

06-24-20, 02:20 PM	#2016
Catfish Dipped Squirrel Operative Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: ..where the ocean meets the sky Posts: 16,897 Downloads: 38 Uploads: 0	^and ^^ __________________ >^..^<*)))>{ All generalizations are wrong.

06-24-20, 06:04 PM	#2017
Texas Red Fastest Gun Around Join Date: Aug 2019 Location: Agua Fira, New Mexico Posts: 2,376 Downloads: 527 Uploads: 5	My girlfriend asked me if I ever wanted to get married. Apparently, “when I meet the right girl” was the wrong answer. __________________ There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work, and learning from failure. — Colin Powell I'm not very active on the forums anymore. If you have a question, please DM me and I'll respond ASAP!

06-25-20, 01:55 AM	#2018
Col7777 Grey Wolf Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Manchester UK Posts: 944 Downloads: 260 Uploads: 0	This morning the doctor said I have attention deficit something or another, I dunno I wasn't really listening. __________________ Silent and Violent

06-25-20, 01:48 PM	#2020
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic’? __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

06-25-20, 01:49 PM	#2021
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

06-25-20, 02:04 PM	#2022
Col7777 Grey Wolf Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Manchester UK Posts: 944 Downloads: 260 Uploads: 0	It's my first day working in the library. So, to make a good impression, I've organised all the books by size. __________________ Silent and Violent

06-26-20, 02:38 AM	#2024
Col7777 Grey Wolf Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Manchester UK Posts: 944 Downloads: 260 Uploads: 0	I remembered my wedding anniversary today. It was last week. __________________ Silent and Violent

06-26-20, 01:21 PM	#2025
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the M25. Motorists have been asked to be on the lookout for 15 hardened criminals. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)