The joke thread II - Page 217

Platapus · 10-06-21, 04:17 PM

I have always heard of the expression "Married to your job"

Now I know what that means

1. No matter what you do, it is not good enough
2. Someone will be yelling at you.

Jimbuna · 10-07-21, 07:01 AM

Doctor: And how is it going with your old ailment, Mr Smith?

Patient: Very well, I’ve been divorced for half a year now.

Platapus · 10-07-21, 05:43 PM

I learn from the mistakes people make
When they take my advice

Jimbuna · 10-09-21, 05:51 AM

Daddy, there is a man at the door. He says he is collecting for the nursing home.

That's perfect. Tell him grandpa is coming in a moment.

Jimbuna · 10-10-21, 11:04 AM

If you need to break up with somebody, the best place to do so is McDonalds.

There are no plates or glasses to be broken over your head, no sharp knives or spiky forks, plus you can always hide behind a fat kid.

Jimbuna · 10-11-21, 12:21 PM

Patient: Doctor, I’m starting to forget things.

Doctor: I understand.

Patient: Understand what?

Platapus · 10-11-21, 02:29 PM

If it were not for freedom of speech, we would not know who the dumb people are.

Jimbuna · 10-12-21, 05:20 AM

My Chinese friend got really sick one day and had to go to a hospital.

I went to see him the next day, but he just kept whispering “Chun Yu Yan” over and over – and then died.

I was very sad and googled his last message after the burial. Apparently, it means “You’re standing on my oxygen tube.”

Jimbuna · 10-13-21, 12:06 PM

Woman at a maternity hospital is in a lot of pain, moaning. The man strokes her back, “I’m so sorry sweetheart that you have to endure this…”

She replies: “Don’t worry Steve, it’s not your fault.”

Jimbuna · 10-14-21, 07:31 AM

Famous last words of a bomb disposal expert?

"Yes, the red wire."

Jimbuna · 10-15-21, 11:14 AM

Doctor: “You look much worse than you did last week! I said you should smoke a maximum of five cigarettes a day!”

Patient: “And that’s what I did. And it wasn’t easy because up until now I didn’t smoke at all!”

Angelis · 10-15-21, 12:22 PM

A maniac comes to the dentist late at night "Doctor, I think I'm a moth." "And why do you come to me with that?" "Your light was still on."

Arlo · 10-15-21, 02:03 PM

The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

The time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = knotfurlong

Jimbuna · 10-16-21, 03:40 AM

Doctor, please, my son ate some cement. What can I do?

First of all, don't give him anything to drink.

Jimbuna · 10-18-21, 01:22 PM

“Do you have Valentines cards that say something like “You’re my only one?”

Sure thing.

Wonderful! I’ll take 8 of those please.

10-06-21, 04:17 PM	#3241
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,960 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	I have always heard of the expression "Married to your job" Now I know what that means 1. No matter what you do, it is not good enough 2. Someone will be yelling at you. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

10-07-21, 07:01 AM	#3242
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,284 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Doctor: And how is it going with your old ailment, Mr Smith? Patient: Very well, I’ve been divorced for half a year now. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-07-21, 05:43 PM	#3243
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,960 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	I learn from the mistakes people make When they take my advice __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

10-09-21, 05:51 AM	#3244
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,284 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Daddy, there is a man at the door. He says he is collecting for the nursing home. That's perfect. Tell him grandpa is coming in a moment. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-10-21, 11:04 AM	#3245
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,284 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	If you need to break up with somebody, the best place to do so is McDonalds. There are no plates or glasses to be broken over your head, no sharp knives or spiky forks, plus you can always hide behind a fat kid. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-11-21, 12:21 PM	#3246
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,284 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Patient: Doctor, I’m starting to forget things. Doctor: I understand. Patient: Understand what? __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-11-21, 02:29 PM	#3247
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,960 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	If it were not for freedom of speech, we would not know who the dumb people are. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

10-12-21, 05:20 AM	#3248
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,284 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My Chinese friend got really sick one day and had to go to a hospital. I went to see him the next day, but he just kept whispering “Chun Yu Yan” over and over – and then died. I was very sad and googled his last message after the burial. Apparently, it means “You’re standing on my oxygen tube.” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-13-21, 12:06 PM	#3249
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,284 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Woman at a maternity hospital is in a lot of pain, moaning. The man strokes her back, “I’m so sorry sweetheart that you have to endure this…” She replies: “Don’t worry Steve, it’s not your fault.” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-14-21, 07:31 AM	#3250
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,284 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Famous last words of a bomb disposal expert? "Yes, the red wire." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-15-21, 11:14 AM	#3251
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,284 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Doctor: “You look much worse than you did last week! I said you should smoke a maximum of five cigarettes a day!” Patient: “And that’s what I did. And it wasn’t easy because up until now I didn’t smoke at all!” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-15-21, 12:22 PM	#3252
Angelis A-ganger Join Date: Dec 2009 Posts: 77 Downloads: 143 Uploads: 0	A maniac comes to the dentist late at night "Doctor, I think I'm a moth." "And why do you come to me with that?" "Your light was still on."

10-15-21, 02:03 PM	#3253
Arlo The Old Man Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 1,304 Downloads: 214 Uploads: 0	The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton The time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = knotfurlong __________________ -Arlo

10-16-21, 03:40 AM	#3254
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,284 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Doctor, please, my son ate some cement. What can I do? First of all, don't give him anything to drink. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-18-21, 01:22 PM	#3255
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,284 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	“Do you have Valentines cards that say something like “You’re my only one?” Sure thing. Wonderful! I’ll take 8 of those please. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)