The joke thread II

[Platapus]

I used to work in an Orange Juice factory
I got fired because I could not concentrate

[Platapus]

Having a big nose is no excuse for not wearing a Mask during COVID


I still wear underwear after all!

[Jimbuna]

Elderly couple in church.
Wife turns to husband and says "I've just done a silent fart, what should I do?"
Husband says "Put new batteries in your hearing aid!"

[Jimbuna]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman"

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

An Irishman stands up, removes his shirt and says. "Here, iron this!"

[Jimbuna]

The other night, the wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her "Only you, All the others kept me awake all night!"

The doctor says I should be able to see again in about ten days. The broken arm will take about a month.

[Jimbuna]

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and a spade.

[Platapus]

Marriage is like a three-ringed circus


There is the engagement ring
There is the wedding ring
And then there is the suffering

[Jimbuna]

The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

[Jimbuna]

A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you"

The drunk replies "Boobs"

[Jimbuna]

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an Apple.

With extremely limited memory.

Just 1 Byte.

Then everything crashed.

[Jimbuna]

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes...

She hugged me.

[Texas Red]

What is an eggs favorite car?

A yolkswagen

[Jimbuna]

I asked my grandpa, "After 65 years you still call grandma darling, beautiful and honey. What's the secret?"

He Said "I forgot her name five years ago and I'm too scared to ask her."

[Jimbuna]

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend, "That's us in 10 years time."

He said, "That's a mirror, idiot!"

[Jimbuna]

So, I'm in a bar and two very large women with accents are sitting across from me. I say "Cool accents, are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them yells, "It's Wales, you idiot."

So I said, "Okay, are you two Whales from Scotland?"

I don't remember much after that.