The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay £855 to cover the loss.

I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.

[Jimbuna]

99,8% people have problems with math.

I’m glad I’m in the remaining 1%

[Jimbuna]

A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: “My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!”

Psychiatrist: “Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.“

[Jimbuna]

Little Red Riding Hood walks all alone through the deep dark wood. Suddenly she hears rustling in a thick bush. Cautiously she moves the branches aside and finds herself facing the big bad wolf.

"Oh, Big Bad Wolf, why do you have such huge red eyes?"

"Go away! I'm crapping!"

[Catfish]

Little Red Riding Hood walks through the forest and encounters a wolf.
Wolf: "Now i'll eat you, but, being a gentlewolf, i will grant you three last wishes!"
Rotkaeppchen: "Oh big black wolf, please make love to me.."
The Wolf does not break his promise, and, quite exhausted, he asks for the second wish.
Rotkaeppchen: "Oh big black wolf, please make love to me once more..".
So the wolf gives in and repeats what he did, then lying on the ground and panting, he asks for her last wish.
Rotkaeppchen: "Oh big black wolf, this was so nice, please make love to me a third time..".
So the wolf tries, but breaks down and dies on the spot.
From the copse the huntsman emerges, and reprimands: "Shame on you Rotkaeppchen, this was the fourth wolf this week!"

[Jimbuna]

Wow, honey, I never thought our son would go that far!

Yeah, the catapult is really amazing. Go get our daughter!

[Jimbuna]

A husband and a wife are having dinner at a nice restaurant. The woman drops some tomato sauce on her white top. "Oh no, I look like a pig!"

The man nods, "Also, you dropped some tomato sauce on your shirt!"

[Jimbuna]

I have to eat an earth worm every day so I don’t die. I’m very grateful to my brother for pointing this out to me 30 years ago when we were little.

[Jimbuna]

What is the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?

Snowballs.

[Jimbuna]

A boy and his father go together for a boys’ day out at the zoo.

“Daddy, I don't like how that gorilla's looking at me from behind that glass, she's quite scary!” says the boy.

“Shush, Jason!!!! This is still only the ticket office!”

[Jimbuna]

Darling, I think the new dryer is shrinking my clothes.”

“No, sweetie, that was the fridge.”

[Jimbuna]

“Daddy, what is an alcoholic?”

“Do you see those 4 trees, son? An alcoholic would see 8 trees.”

“Um, Dad – there are only 2 trees.”

[Jimbuna]

Waiter, there’s a fly twitching in my soup!”

“And what do you expect for the price? A ballet?!”

[Texas Red]

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.

[Jimbuna]

On a first date:

Man: “When I see your smile I wish we could see each other more often.”

Woman: “Oh, you’re so charming, George…”

Man: “Not really, I’m a dentist.”