The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhoea.

It runs in our jeans.

[Platapus]

To the person who stole my Microsoft Office License,

you will pay
You have my word

[Platapus]

Who ever stole my glasses, you can't hide forever
I have contacts

[Jimbuna]

I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism.

[Jimbuna]

I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.

If anything, it made him more sluggish.

[Jeff-Groves]

In space, two aliens are talking to each other.
The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they've aimed at themselves"

----------

I was in a car dealership looking at some newer models.
Of course I was asking questions until it came to...
"cargo space?".
The dealer replies
"car no do that. car go road

[Platapus]

When we were out for a drive, my wife suddenly blurted out that I have no sense of direction


I wondered where that came from?

[Jimbuna]

I, for one, like Roman numerals.

[Jeff-Groves]

The local bar was so sure that its owner was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.
The challenge was that the owner would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer.
Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.

Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed.
Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.
After the laughter had subsided the owner said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet,
so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing.
Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar!

Everyone looked on in amazement as the owner handed over the prize and asked,
"What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?"
"No" the man replied,
"I work for the IRS."

[Jeff-Groves]

2 foreigners want to immigrate to Canada so they go to the immigration office.
First guy goes in and the immigration officer asks “alright you want to come into Canada, what do you do for work?”

The foreigner says “oh I a pilot, I a pilot “
Immigration officer goes “alright a pilot sounds good welcome to Canada”

Second guy walks in and is greeted with the same question about his occupation.
He replies “oh I a chop a da wood, I chop a da wood”

Immigration officer replies “oh no sorry we already have enough lumber jacks in Canada”

Clearly sad, the foreigner asks “oh that a to bad, how my buddy do ? Did he get into Canada?”

Immigration officer says “oh yeah we let your buddy in he’s a pilot!”

The foreigner replies “oh no no no! I chop a da wood, he a pile-it!”

[Jimbuna]

I feel bad for the homeless guy but a whole lot batter for the homeless guy's dog because he must be thinking "Man, this is the longest walk ever."

[Jeff-Groves]

I was in a Night Club a few nights ago and this really ugly Woman came up and grabbed my butt!

She said, "Hey sexy! Can I give you my phone number?"

So I asked her, "Do you have a pen?"

She replied, "I sure do!"

I said, "Then get your arse back to it before the farmer comes looking for you!"

[Jimbuna]

I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was a kid.

[Platapus]

My IPod would not connect to my car's BT so I threw the Ipod in the lake.
It turned out well as the IPod started syncing immediately

[Jeff-Groves]

A police officer pulled me over and said, “Papers.”
I said, “Scissors. I win!” and drove off.

I guess he wants a rematch because he’s been following me for about 45 minutes.