Starting a new venture: SUBSIM Coffee Company (April Fool 2022)

[Commander Wallace]

Originally Posted by ET2SN

SILENT BATTLE STATIONS COFFEE.

This is an authentic recipe for a "coffee-like" beverage enjoyed during a typical "OPS" watch (12-14 hours avg.).

Start by buying a box of Carnation or Swiss Miss Instant Hot Chocolate packets (bonus if you find the type with mini marshmallows). Open the box and remove all of the envelopes of instant coco, crush each envelope, cram back in box.

Start a pot of Neal's scam coffee. Once the coffee has completed brewing, DO NOT empty grounds or turn off heat source! Leave the pot alone for at least 3-4 hours. Use this time to examine a soldering iron or change the oil in your car. You may ask, "But ET2SN, won't the coffee be burned and bitter?" You're d@mned tootin' it will be. We want the coffee to be scorched to the point where where it changes from the traditional deep brown color to an oil-sludge black hue.

Empty one or two (if you're feeling adventurous) packets of hot coco mix into a traditional Navy mug and fill to the top with the burned coffee. Stir no more than FOUR revolutions (to avoid dissolving the spoon) then allow the mug to cool for several hours. "SBS coffee beverage" (aka: mocha) is best experienced when its somewhere between luke-warm and room temperature.

DO NOT drink quickly! Ulcer-like symptoms will develop quickly if you try to chug this stuff in large gulps. Trust me, you won't be falling asleep for a while.

I think your coffee would dissolve the fillings in someone's teeth not to mention remove the paint from someone's stomach. I love adventure but this may be a bit much. I think I will stick to traditional Navy Coffee with a pinch of Sea Salt. Even better with a dram or so of Irish Whiskey in my coffee.


@ Neal


Shakes head. You can mess with a lot of things but when you mess with someone's coffee, that's when it gets real and Will Smith comes out a slappin'.



I think this will be the new catch phrase: " Don't make me get all Will Smith on ya. "