The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?"

"To the morgue."

"What? But I’m not dead yet!"

"And we’re not there yet."

[Jimbuna]

I got a job as a librarian, but it only lasted half an hour.
Turns out, books about women's rights shouldn’t go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section.

[Jimbuna]

My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”

We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.

[Jimbuna]

Little Johnny tells his friend, "My grandpa died yesterday."

Friend asks, "Oh, how did that happen?"

Johnny, "He hit his thumb with a hammer."

Friend, "But you can't die of that!"

Johnny, "I know but he wouldn't stop screaming and cursing so we had to shoot him."

[Jimbuna]

Doctor to a patient: "I have good and bad news for you. Which one would you like to hear first?"

"The good one please."

"I found the diagnosis of your illness, it means you have two days to live."

"And the bad one?"

"I’ve been trying to reach you for two days."

[Von Due]

Dad always told me "as one door closes, another door opens"

He was terrible at making cabinets.

[Jimbuna]

Patient: Oh Doctor, I’m starting to forget things.

Doctor: Since when have you had this condition?

Patient: What condition?

[Jimbuna]

It is interesting how different nations have their dogs make different sounds.

An American dog goes Woof, a Czech dog goes Haf, a Dutch dog goes Blaf and a Chinese dog goes Sizzle.

[Jimbuna]

A man walks into a shop and sees a very handsome dog. He asks the shop assistant, “Does your dog bite?”

“No, my dog doesn’t bite.”

The man happily tries to pet the dog, but the dog attacks him viciously. A little later he stumbles to the shop clerk, “Hey, you said your dog doesn’t bite!”

The shop clerk shrugs, “He doesn’t. But that wasn’t my dog.”

[Jimbuna]

My ex had an accident. I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for her.

Finally she’ll experience what rejection is really like.

[Jimbuna]

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in June!”

“Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” I said.

She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.

It’s now three hours later, police have joined in and she still won’t say where she got them.

[Jimbuna]

An elderly man is stopped by the police on his way to work. Everywhere are busy policemen.

“What’s going on?” asks the guy.

“We’re searching for a rapist, sir,” replies the police officer.

“Oh,” the man thinks for a second, “well alright. I’ll do it.”

[Jimbuna]

On a mountain trip a man falls down into a crack. His wife calls after him, “Are you OK?”

“Yeah!”

“Are you hurt?”

“No!”

“Not a scratch? How come?!“

“I’m not done falling yet-et-et-et-et!”

[Jimbuna]

An 87-year-old man chats with his doctor: “So, I'm getting married again next week, doc!”

“Oh, that’s wonderful! And how old is the bride?”

“She’s 19.”

“That’s fantastic – but I have to warn you, too much action in the bed can be deadly!”

“Ah well, if she dies, I’ll just have to remarry.”

[Jimbuna]

Son comes into the kitchen, visibly shaken. The father asks him what happened.

“Dad, I’m so sorry, I shot Grandma by mistake!”

“Are you insane?! We’ve still got half of Grandpa left in the freezer!“