The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

Man to a butcher: "I'd like some bull's testicles."

Butcher: "So would I."

[Jimbuna]

What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow?

I have no idea but I wouldn’t try milking it.

[Aktungbby]

Life happens in two stages: Youth; and..."Hey! your still looking pretty good..."

[Jimbuna]

"I wasn't that drunk yesterday." "Oh boy you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying."

[Jimbuna]

Women really know how to hold a grudge. My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm. And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue. It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!

[eddie]

Out of all fast food restaurants, I have decided to stick with Subway. Its the only place that makes me feel I am eating healthy when I order a whole loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it!

[Jimbuna]

Today, my son came to me and gave me a hug – out of the blue. I was very pleasantly surprised – that is, until I heard him tell his mother, “You’re right. He did gain weight.”

[Jimbuna]

I’ve always thought I will discover my inner self through some eastern philosophies, not because of a stupid single-ply toilet paper from Tesco!

[Jimbuna]

Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!

Father: Really, what?

Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

[Jimbuna]

Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman. A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”

[Jimbuna]

I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail. I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality.

[Jimbuna]

When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.

[Jimbuna]

Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited: “Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!”

“No way!”

“Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”

Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place. A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her, “Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesn’t believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!”

The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house, “Roger, the pig that crapped in your trombone is here!”

[Jimbuna]

Husband brings the child home from kindergarten and asks his wife, "He’s been crying the whole way home. Isn’t he sick or something?"

"No," replies the wife, "he was just trying to tell you he isn’t our Frankie."

[Jimbuna]

My friend Robbie shocked and hurt me. He told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend? It totally ruined our bath!