The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

A preacher trained his horse to go when he said, "Praise the Lord," and to stop when he said, "Amen." The preacher mounted the horse, said, "Praise the Lord" and went for a ride. When he wanted to stop for lunch, he said, "Amen." He took off again, saying, "Praise the Lord." The horse started going toward the edge of a cliff. The preacher got excited and said, "Whoa!" Then he remembered and said, "Amen," and the horse stopped at the edge of the cliff. The preacher was so relieved and grateful that he looked up to heaven and said, "Praise the Lord!"

[Jimbuna]

Two priests died at the same time and met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Our computer’s down," said St. Peter. "You’ll have to go back for a week, but you can’t go back as priests. What’ll it be?"

The first priest said, "I’ve always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," said St. Peter, and off flew the first priest.

The second priest thought for a moment and asked, "Will any of this week count?"

"No," said St. Peter.

"Well," the priest said, "I’ve always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it," said St. Peter. A week later, the computer was fixed, and the Lord told St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" he asked.

"The first one should be easy," said St. Peter. "He’s somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove more difficult."

"Why?" asked the Lord.

"He’s on a snow tire somewhere in northern Ontario," said St. Peter.

[Jimbuna]

One of my friends is in charge of the part-time help hired by an old-age home run by an order of nuns. She confided to the mother superior, a feisty little nun of 70, that she always felt uncomfortable giving the young girls the obligatory lecture about the need to be careful around certain of the older male patients.

The mother superior volunteered to give it for her, and eventually reduced my friend’s 30 minutes of embarrassed rambling to a one-liner that has now become famous around the place. "Girls," she announced. "Just remember—old ain’t dead."

[Jimbuna]

My wife and I arrived late to a crowded religious convention where there was standing room only. We noticed some people get up to leave, and after they hadn’t returned for several minutes, we took their seats. The woman next to us insisted that the chairs were taken. I assured her that we’d be glad to move if the people came back.

Moments later we sang a hymn, and at its conclusion the music director asked all of us to turn to our neighbors and say that we loved them. The woman at my side faced me and said, "I love you, but those seats are still taken."

[Jimbuna]

An elderly couple, admitted by St. Peter through the Pearly Gates, found conditions there just heavenly. Said the man to his wife, "I could have been here two years ago if you hadn’t fed me all that oat bran."

[Jimbuna]

One Sunday our priest announced he was passing out miniature crosses made of palm leaves. "Put this cross in the room where your family argues most," he advised. "When you look at it, the cross will remind you that God is watching."

As I was leaving church, the woman in front of me walked up to the priest, shook his hand, and said, "I’ll take five."

[Jimbuna]

The phone rings at the synagogue office.

"Hello, is this Rabbi Schwartz?" The caller asked.

"It is."

"This is HMRC. We wonder if you can help us."

"I’ll try."

"Do you know Herman Cohen?"

"I do."

"Is this man a member of your congregation."

"He is."

"Did he donate £10,000?"

"He will."

[Jimbuna]

A computer salesman dies and meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter tells the salesman that he can choose between heaven and hell. First he shows the man heaven, where people in white robes play harps and float around.

"Dull," says the salesman.

Next, St. Peter shows him hell: toga parties, excellent food and wine, and everyone looking as though he’s having a wonderful time.

"I’ll take hell," he says.

He enters the gates of hell and is immediately set upon by a dozen demons who poke him with pitchforks. "Hey," the salesman demands as Satan walks past, "what happened to the party I saw going on?"

"Ah," Satan replies. "You must have seen our demo."

[Jimbuna]

Vacationing in Hawaii, two priests decide to wear casual clothes so they won’t be identified as clergy. They buy Hawaiian shirts and sandals, and soon hit the beach. They notice a gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini. "Good afternoon, Fathers," she says as she strolls by.

The men are stunned. How does she know they’re clergy? Later they buy even wilder attire: surfer shorts, tie-dyed T-shirts, and dark glasses. The next day, they return to the beach. The same fabulous blonde, now wearing a string bikini, passes by, nods politely at them, and says, "Good morning, Fathers."

"Just a minute, young lady," says one of the priests. "We are priests and proud of it, but how in the world did you know?"

"Don’t you recognize me? I’m Sister Kathryn from the convent."

[Platapus]

The term "whoa" actually came from the early days of the US Army. It was used as a way to select which soldiers would serve in the Infantry and which would serve in the cavalry.


A prospective recruit would be shown the word


WHOA


and told to say it.


if they replied Hooah, they were sent to the Infantry.



True story that.

[Jimbuna]

Do you know how to make holy water? You take some regular water and you boil the hell out of it.

[Jimbuna]

Jesus, Moses, and an old bearded guy were playing golf. On the first tee, Moses shanked his ball into a lake. He parted the water and hit his ball onto the green.

Jesus teed off, hitting his ball into another water hazard. But he walked on water and stroked his ball just short of the cup.

Then the old man with the beard stepped up for his tee shot. He hit the ball with tremendous force, but hooked it badly. The ball bounced off the clubhouse roof, hit the cart path, and rolled down a hill into a pond, coming to rest on a lily pad. A frog hopped over and picked up the ball, then an eagle swooped down, snatched the frog, and flew over the green. The frog dropped the ball, and it rolled into the cup for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing golf with your dad."

[Jimbuna]

A distinguished minister and two elders from his congregation attended an out-of-town meeting that did not finish until rather late. They decided to have something to eat before going home, but unfortunately, the only spot open was a seedy bar-and-grill with a questionable reputation.

After being served, one of the elders asked the minister to say grace. "I’d rather not," the clergyman said. "I don’t want him to know I’m here."

[Jimbuna]

Henry goes to confession and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women."

The priest says, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass, and drink the juice."

"Will that cleanse me of my sins?"

"No," replies the priest. "But it’ll wipe that silly grin off your face."

[Platapus]

Wait a minute


Oil and petroleum products are made from dead dinosaurs


Plastic is made from oil and petroleum products


So the Plastic Dinosaur I gave to my grandson was made from real dinosaurs


Best. Grandfather. Ever.