The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

Two atoms were walking down the street.

"I think I just lost an electron," says one.

"Are you sure?" asked the other?

"I'm positive."

[Jimbuna]

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."
A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.
Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.
Doctor: "But this is $500..."
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

[Jimbuna]

CIGARETTE:

A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other!

MARRIAGE:

It's an agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor's degree and a woman gains her master's.

CONFERENCE:

The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

CONFERENCE ROOM:

A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees in the end.

SMILE:

A curve that can set a lot of things straight!

YAWN:

The only opportunity some married men

ever get to open their mouths.

EXPERIENCE:

The name men give to their mistakes.

DIPLOMAT:

A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

OPTIMIST:

A person who, while falling from the EIFFEL TOWER, says midway:

"SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!"

BOSS:

Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

POLITICIAN:

One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence afterward.

DOCTOR:

A person who kills your ills with pills and later with his bills...

[Jimbuna]

A hot blonde walks into an elevator. There is a fat middle aged guy in there, and the blonde says “T.G.I.F. The man then says “S.H.I.T.” The blonde then says “Don’t you know what T.G.I.F. stands for?”. The fat guy is like “Don’t you know what S.H.I.T. stands for? “. The blonde then says “T.G.I.F. Thank Goodness Its Friday, duhhhhhh.” And the fat dude says “S.H.I.T. Sorry honey, its Thursday, duhhhhhhh.”

[Platapus]

A vegetarian friend of mine told me that people who sell meat are gross


I replied, "Oh yeah? Well people who sell vegetables are Grocer"

[Jimbuna]

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering a lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.

The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.

The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.

The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.

And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

[Jimbuna]

I was driving to work this Wednesday and was fiddling with my phone.

I didn’t notice soon enough that there was a red light, and lightly bumped the car in front of me.

It wasn’t major or anything; just a fender bender. But the guy driving the car I hit jumped out and was just furious.

He was also a Little Person - someone with dwarfism.

His face was red and he was jumping up and down yelling, “I am not happy! I am not happy!”

So I said the only thing that came to mind…

“Which one are you, then?”

That’s when the fight started.

[Jimbuna]

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she met St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her smiled and said
....
....

"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee"

[Jimbuna]

Cavendish, MacGregor, and O'Shaughnessy were sitting together, in a bar in Sydney.

"The view here is fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional," said MacGregor. "But I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Aberdeen, there's a wee pub called MacTavish's. MacTavish goes out of his way for the locals. So much that when you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink for you."

"Well," said Cavendish, "at my local pub in Leicester, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink, after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said O'Shaughnessy. "Back home in Cork, there's Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment ye set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink. And then another, afore ye finish the first one. And all the drinks you'd like, all night long. Then, when you've had plenty to drink, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, as many times as you want - ALL on the house!"

Cavendish and MacGregor immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims, but O'Shaughnessy swears every word is true.

"Come now, my good man," said Cavendish, "did this actually happen to you?"

"Well, not meself personally, no," said O'Shaughnessy, "but it did happen to me sister."

[Jimbuna]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf and mute, that was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.
Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

[magic452]

A man is lying in the hospital, waiting to be the first person in history to receive a brain transplant.

A doctor comes in and says "Congratulations! But unfortunately since this is a new procedure your insurance isn't going to cover it all. So we're going to give you 3 choices for brains and you can decide which you can afford."

"Okay, what are they?" Says the man to the doctor.

The doctor says "Well, first there's engineer brain, that's $100 an ounce. Then there's astrophysicist brain, that'll cost you $200 an ounce. Finally there's politician brain. That's the most expensive at $1000 an ounce."

The man looks at the doctor, surprised. "That's absurd! Why is the politician brain so expensive?"

The doctor turns to him and says "Sir, do you have any idea how MANY politicians it takes to get an ounce of brain?!?"


Magic

[Platapus]

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

...

"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee"

Remember, you can't spell Who Cares without HR

[Jimbuna]

A penguin is on vacation, driving around the southwest, when his car breaks down. He gets out of the car, walks to the nearest pay phone, calls a tow truck and is towed to the nearest town car repair.

The mechanic tells the penguin that it will take about an hour to figure out what is wrong and write up an estimate, and recommends that he go for a walk around town.

This is the southwest, and the penguin gets quite warm while walking around -- he is originally from the South Pole you know. He decides to stop in the nearest store and get a vanilla ice cream cone.

The penguin starts to make his way back to the mechanic's shop, eating his ice cream; but the cone is a bit hard to manage because of his flippers and he gets ice cream all over himself.

He walks in to see the mechanic, who looks up at him and says "Well, it looks like you blew a seal."

"No!" exclaims the penguin, "Its just ice cream, I swear!"

[Jimbuna]

A doctor was examining a young girl and told her she was pregnant. Not being married the girl wanted to abort the child. The doctor didn't want to kill the child and persuaded the girl that if she carried the baby to term, he would find someone to take the baby.

Time passed, the baby was born but nobody else was giving birth in the hospital that night. But the doctor was persistent and found that there was a Catholic priest who was having a gall bladder operation! That morning the doctor visited the priest and said that there'd been a miracle. We opened you up and what did we find - a beautiful baby girl.

Priest was a little disconcerted but believed that God moved in mysterious ways! Took the girl home and raised it as part of the household. Fifteen years pass and the priest is deathly sick. He decides to clear his conscience and calls the girl to his bedside. Daughter he says, I have confession to make. I'm not really your father. I'm your mother ... your father's the bishop!

[Platapus]

Mom, am I adopted?


No son, we have not been able to find someone to take you