The joke thread II

[Jeff-Groves]

I have an Irish friend that never comes in the house.


I call him Patio Furniture.

[Jimbuna]

Mr. and Mrs. Shaw were on safari in Africa, walking through the jungle. Suddenly a huge lion sprang out of the bushes and seized Mrs. Shaw, dragging her off.

“Shoot!” she screamed to her husband. “Shoot!”

“I can’t!” he shouted back. “I’ve run out of film!”

[Jimbuna]

Dwarf couple who work in a Circus are having a baby. They go to the Doctors for a check up. Doctor says "Everything's fine, tell me what do you want, a boy or a girl?" Bloke says "We aren't that choosy really as long as it fits in a cannon".

[Jimbuna]

A Stanford University professor took his young son with him on a trip across the country. One day after their return, a package was delivered with postage due. Neither the professor nor his wife had the necessary $3, but their son produced it. Surprised, his mother asked how he came to have that much money.

“Well,” he said, “Dad was awfully careless with money on our trip and nearly always left some on the table when we ate. So I just picked it up.”

[Jimbuna]

“I don’t think I look thirty, do you, dear?” asked the wife.

“No, darling, not now,” her husband replied. “But you used to.”

[Jimbuna]

At a Long Island house party, a chap invited an attractive girl to go fishing with him on the Sound. After an hour without any luck, he asked, “Do you think we ought to try chumming?”

His companion, a novice at fishing, looked toward the house on the distant shore, then replied, “We might as well. They can’t see us from there.”

[Jimbuna]

A young mother paying a visit to her doctor in Providence, Rhode Island, made no attempt to restrain her five­-year-­old son, who was ransacking an adjoining treatment room. But finally an extra-­loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, “I hope, doctor, you don’t mind Billy being in your examining room.”

“No,” said the doctor calmly. “He’ll be quiet in a moment when he gets to the poisons.”

[Jimbuna]

The sailor and his girl had been having a disagreement; she was crying and he was trying to comfort her. As I got closer I heard him say, “Honest, honey, you gotta believe me—I ain’t got a sweetheart in ev’ry port!”

As I moved on I heard his closing argument: “I ain’t been in ev’ry port!”

[Jimbuna]

When my teenage son worked part time in a hardware store, a man came in to buy hooks for hanging plants. But there were only two hooks left in the gold color that he needed.

My son, trying to be helpful, suggested, “Could you maybe use the silver or the white instead?”

The customer scrutinized him and said, “You’re not married, are you?”

[Jimbuna]

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

[Jimbuna]

Why are snails slow?

Because they’re carrying a house on their back.

[Jeff-Groves]

So a priest and rabbi develop a friendship of sorts over the course of serving the same community for many years

one afternoon sitting on a park bench the priest says to the rabbi

"I know this is a deeply personal question, and its okay if aren't comfortable answering, but did you ever try eating pork?"

the rabbi looks down at the ground in shame and says "yes...to be completely honest, I once ordered room service breakfast and it came with bacon, I was all alone and tried a little"

the rabbi then asks his own question "since we're revealing secrets here friend, let me ask you, did you ever sleep with a woman?"

priest looks at the ground in shame and replies, "yes...I did...when I was first out of the seminary I was tempted by a young parishioner and in my weakness I gave in to temptation just that once"

The Rabbi nods to show he understands and says "it sure beats the *(&^ out of pork doesn't it?"

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a couple of chimpanzees sharing an Amazon account?

PRIME-mates.

[Jimbuna]

What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield.

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a guy who’s really loud?

Mike.