The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

I had applied for several scholarships for the upcoming year and was thrilled to learn that I had won one from my school, the University of Nevada, Las Vegas. Sometimes such awards are named after places. The letter the university sent me said that I had won the Las Vegas Strip Scholarship, named after the street with all the major hotels.

When I told my mother about the award she paused, then asked, “Just what exactly did you do to win that scholarship?”

[Catfish]

I looked into her eyes, deep into the emerald green, my heart fluttered, I felt a connection, something deeper, something magical, I was transported to another place and I thought, blimey these binoculars are brilliant.

[Eisenwurst]

Putin goes to a fortune teller.

She says "I see you being driven through the streets of Kyiv in a great Victory parade. There's millions of people lining the streets, cheering, clapping and waving."

"Am I waving back?" he says.



"No, the coffin's sealed".

[Jimbuna]

^

[Jimbuna]

An American was being shown a big Soviet sign factory. “We turn out about 500 signs a week,” proudly said the Russian, “and when business demands it, we can step it up to 2,000.”

“Amazing!” said the visitor. “By the way, what do the signs say?”

“Elevators not running,” was the answer.

[Platapus]

Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why?


Inflation.

[Jimbuna]

When my brother began his psychiatric practice, his first patient was a particularly good-looking young woman. My brother motioned for her to lie down on the couch, but the woman hesitated until he reassured her that it was part of the therapy procedure. Once on the couch, she smoothed her dress around her legs and began to relax a bit.

“Now then,” he asked, “how did your trouble begin?”

“Just like this,” she said.

[Platapus]

How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb?



Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.

[Platapus]

How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.

[Platapus]

Why did the man fall into the well?


He just could not see that well

[Jimbuna]

At our weekly alumni meetings, the football coach shows the film of the most recent game and holds a question-and-answer period afterward. One of the alumni, who had played on the football team many years ago and had a son on this year’s squad, posed a question concerning the defensive line. “I’d like to know,” he said, “why our boys are so slow getting into the opposition’s backfield after the ball is snapped.”

“Gosh, I’m not sure, Fred,” answered the coach. “But it could be hereditary.”

[Xerxes]

What kind of tea is hard to swallow?

Reality

[Platapus]

What has ears but cannot hear?



A cornfield!

[Xerxes]

Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pack of cards.



I'll deal with you in a minute!

[Xerxes]

Doctor, doctor! What happened to the man who fell into a saw and got the left side of his body cut off?



He's all right now.