The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

Just had the following conversation in court.

Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: Thanks, I’m outta here.

[Jimbuna]

I walked into the gym and see a bunch of ladies working out, I ask the guy who is running the gym, “Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies?”
He smiles and says “Try the ATM in the lobby”.

[Jimbuna]

The following conversation took place while a prisoner was awaiting execution by electric chair.

Priest: Do you have any last requests?
Prisoner: Yes I do, can I hold your hand?

[Jimbuna]

Why is it when an old person comes up to me at a wedding as says “You’re next” its somehow socially acceptable but when I do the same to them at funeral I get into trouble?

[Jimbuna]

Why is it that good people are always the ones who get screwed over? The other day I gave my seat to an old lady on the bus and then I got fired from my job as a bus driver.

[Jimbuna]

The following conversation took place today at the hospital after the doctor told me I’ve only got 3 weeks to live.

Me: Is there nothing you can give me to help?
Doctor: Try drinking 1 litre of olive oil every day
Me: Will that cure me?
Doctor: No but it will make your cremation a lot quicker.

[Von Due]

After the doc had examined John, he left the office to fetch the printouts, not saying a word, leaving John feeling a bit uneasy. Shortly after the doctor came back in, looked at John then said
"I am afraid I have some bad news. You only have 5 left"
John looked up in shock and half shouted "5? 5 what? Years? Months?"
"4..."

[Jimbuna]

Waiter: Can I take your order sir, kids eat free today.
Me: Oh, well in that case i’ll just have a glass of water and my son will have the grilled lobster,a 15oz steak and a small bottle of champagne please.

[Jimbuna]

A funeral was held today for the inventor of air conditioning.
Thousands of fans attended.

[Jimbuna]

Went to the barbers today and asked to get my hair cut like Justin Bieber. He totally shaved my head bald. I said “What the hell have you done. Justin Bieber doesn’t have his hair cut like this!!”, the barber said “He would if he came into my shop.”

[Jimbuna]

I went to the doctors earlier today with hearing problems.

He said “Can you describe the symptoms?”

I said “Homers a fat guy and Marge has blue hair”

[Jimbuna]

If you had the choice between being as rich as Bill Gates or having world peace, what color Lamborghini would you buy?

[Eichhörnchen]

I found this on a Facebook page 'Shropshire Paranormal Investigators Group'... at the top it says "Send a message", but you can guess what I wanted to say

[Jimbuna]

I remember in the old days when instead of selfie sticks people used to have things called friends.

[Jimbuna]

Can’t believe how nice some people are. Got a compliment today about my driving. Someone left a message on my wind-shield that said ‘parking fine’.