The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

Once a guy with Purple,Green & Blue hair was standing next to an old man.
The old man started staring at him.
Boy:"Whats up oldie? Never did anything wild???"
The old man replied"yeah. screwed a peacock once .. wondering if you are my son.

[Jimbuna]

I was walking past a lunatic asylum , and I could hear the inmates shouting 13, 13, 13, 13, curiosity got the better of me but the walls were too tall to see over .all the time they kept on shouting 13, 13, 13, finally I found a hole in the wall so I took a peep and some fool poked me in the eye with a stick and then they started shouting 14, 14, 14, 14,

[Platapus]

I was going to tell you a joke about time travel
but you didn't like it.

[Jimbuna]

After being married for 50 years, this man took a careful look at his wife one day and said, ‘Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.’

Now ... I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

His wife is a very reasonable woman. She told him to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

[Jimbuna]

A farmer rears 25 young hens and one old rooster...
As he feels that the old rooster could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young rooster from the market...
Old rooster to Young rooster:
"Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity...
Young rooster: What do you mean? As far as I know, you are old & should be retired.
Old rooster : Young boy, there are 25 hens here, can't I help you with some?
Young rooster: No!! Not even one, all of them will be mine.
Old rooster: In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition & if I win you shall allow me to have one hen & if I lose you will have
all.
Young rooster: Okay!
What kind of competition?
Old rooster: 50 meters run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.
Young rooster: No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.
In the morning the Young rooster allows the Old rooster to start off &
when the Old rooster crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.
Soon enough, he was behind the Old rooster's back in a matter of seconds.
Suddenly....."BANG" !!!
Before he could overtake the old rooster, he was shot dead by the farmer...
who cursed,

"Hell"
This is the 5th GAY rooster I've bought this week." ??
Moral: Always respect your seniors & Watch out for corporate politics!!!!

[Jimbuna]

Little Lucy was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping,
"Tell me, Lucy, who created the universe?"
When Lucy didn't stir, Little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty! " shouted Lucy and the teacher said,
"Very good," and Lucy fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Lucy, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But, Lucy didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"Jesus Christ!" shouted Lucy and the teacher said, "Very good," and Lucy fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Lucy a third question.
"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?
And again, Johnny Jabbed her with the pin. This time Lucy jumped up and shouted,
"If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

[Platapus]

A dog may be man's best friend
But a cat will never show the cops where the drugs are

[Platapus]

Do you know why humans can't hear a dog whistle?


Because dogs can't whistle

[Jimbuna]

A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years out in a park. One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds from there. After a while they came back out, giggling. The wizard told them "You have another 15 minutes left, if you want to have another go." The statues looked at each other and the male statue answered "Fine, but this time you hold the pigeon and I will crap on it."

[Jimbuna]

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'.

Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000.

He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.

The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.

The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where the money is. "

The interpreter signs, "Where's the money? " The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about. "

The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about. "

The hood pulls out a large gun and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where the money is. "

The interpreter signs, "Where is the money? "

The deaf man replies, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate. "

The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger. "

[Jimbuna]

A servant enrolled his donkey in a race & won.

Local paper read: 'Servant's ASS WON'.

King was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the servant to get rid of the donkey, and sell it to his queen.

As ordered, He gave the donkey to the queen.

The local paper then read:

"QUEEN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN".

The king fainted.

Queen sold the donkey to a farmer for £10.

Next day paper read:

"QUEEN SELLS HER ASS FOR £10".

This was too much, KING ordered the queen to buy back the donkey & leave it in the jungle.

The next day Headlines:

"QUEEN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD & FREE"

The king died next day!

[Jimbuna]

First women in space.

"Houston, we have a problem."
"What?"
"Nevermind."
"Whats the problem?"
"Nothing."
"Please tell us."
"I'm fine."

[Jimbuna]

This beautiful woman has a severe accident, her car and a man's crash into eachother; both crawl out of the wrecked cars and start chatting.

"Look at our cars", says the woman. "They are ruined but we don't have a scratch. It's a sign, we were supposed to meet like this."
"Yes I strongly agree, definitely a sign."

A moment of silence, then she says:
"Hey, another sign. My car is wrecked, but this bottle of wine in the back is untouched. I think it's God's way of telling us to celebrate this moment, this unique chance, of still being alive."
"Of course."

She takes the wine and gives it to the man who drinks a bit, then offers her the bottle back. She takes the bottle, seals it and gives it back to him.

"Aren't you going to have some?", he asks.
"No thank you, I'll just wait here for the police".

[Jimbuna]

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday,
minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.

A carload of Swaggers, young, loud Justin Bieber Fans, shouting and singing , with posters of Justin Bieber new album in their hands "JB I love you" spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.

Suddenly, they yelled, " Baby baby Baby oohhh " and took off before the light changed.

Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, " Man...that could have been me !"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

[Platapus]

No matter how kind you are
German children are kinder