The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running, but can’t remember where.

[Jimbuna]

I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[Platapus]

Who was Robin Hood's dad?


Fatherhood

[Jimbuna]

A patient talks to his doctor, “I really can't decide between having this operation or facing certain death without it…”

The doctor tries to help, “You know, with a bit of luck, you could have both.”

[Jimbuna]

The doctor gave me one year to live. So in the heat of the moment, I shot him. And the judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

[Jimbuna]

A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken.

The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, “Nothing special really... We just tell them they're going to die...”

[Jimbuna]

I want a divorce!

But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.

I guess you are right. Very well, go ahead and drink up the tea I made for you.

[Jimbuna]

Doctor: And how is it going with your old ailment, Mr Smith?

Patient: Very well, I’ve been divorced for half a year now.

[Jeff-Groves]

Did you hear the one about the old Marine veteran who asked the
Commandant to return him to active duty and send him to Iraq?

Of course the Commandant refused, and told the old Marine he had served
his time in combat and should relax and enjoy his golden years.

The 'ole Gunny wasn't at all pleased, so he wrote the Secretary of the
Navy with the same request. Back came the reply for him to enjoy his
golden years, because Iraq was a young Marine's war and there was no
place for him.

That really ****ed him off, so he wrote his congressman a long, heart
wrenching letter explaining in great detail just why he felt he should
be returned to active duty.

Back came the reply almost word for word, the same as the SecNav
response.......

The 'ole Gunny was livid.
He went down to the beach in Norfolk, VA and bought a rowboat, and
vowing to get to Iraq one way or the other, he set out rowing his boat
and singing the Marine Hymn...." From the Halls of Montezuma to the
shores of Tripoli "
........... and off he rowed for Iraq

Saint Peter had been watching this grizzled 'ole Gunny all the while,
and was at first amused by it all but had grown increasingly concerned
as the Gunny displayed his commitment to his objective. Saint Peter
finally turned to God for advice on how to deal with this Gung Ho Gunny.

After hearing the saga unfold, God advised Saint Peter to be merciful
and take the Gunny's brain, since that was the center of thought, and he
would simply abandon the idea about getting to Iraq.

Now, having taken God's advice and removing the Gunny's brain, St.
Peter observed little if any change in the Gunny's behavior. He
continued to row his boat and sing at the top of his voice "From the
Halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli , we will ".......

A little frustrated at the lack of results of his efforts, St. Peter
turned again to his God and asked, "Now what?"

God said, "Well OK, take his heart, because not even a Marine can
function without a heart. So, that should end it."

But when St. Peter had completed his task, and removed the Gunny's
heart, he was again amazed that little if any change could be observed
in the Gunny's behavior as he continued to row his boat and sing "From
the Halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli, we will fight our
country's battles...."
at-the-top-of-his-voice.

Once again, St. Peter asked God for assistance with this unusual
situation for which there seemed to be no solution.

This time God responded by suggesting that St. Peter should remove the
Marine's testicles, since it's a well known fact that Marines can't
function without their testicles. Otherwise, what would be the reason
for Marines having the world wide reputation of having the balls to do
the impossible?

Convinced this was the answer, St. Peter went to work and removed the
'ole Gunny's balls.

Again, St. Peter observed the Marine, this time with his balls, brains
and heart removed, rowing in a never ending circle singing,

"Off we go, into the wild blue yonder."

[Jimbuna]

Daddy, there is a man at the door. He says he is collecting for the nursing home.

That's perfect. Tell him grandpa is coming in a moment.

[Jimbuna]

If you need to break up with somebody, the best place to do so is McDonalds.

There are no plates or glasses to be broken over your head, no sharp knives or spiky forks, plus you can always hide behind a fat kid.

[Jimbuna]

Patient: Doctor, I’m starting to forget things.

Doctor: I understand.

Patient: Understand what?

[Catfish]

Originally Posted by Jeff-Groves

Did you hear the one about the old Marine veteran who asked the Commandant to return him to active duty and send him to Iraq? [...] "Off we go, into the wild blue yonder."

[Jimbuna]

My Chinese friend got really sick one day and had to go to a hospital.

I went to see him the next day, but he just kept whispering “Chun Yu Yan” over and over – and then died.

I was very sad and googled his last message after the burial. Apparently, it means “You’re standing on my oxygen tube.”

[Jimbuna]

Woman at a maternity hospital is in a lot of pain, moaning. The man strokes her back, “I’m so sorry sweetheart that you have to endure this…”

She replies: “Don’t worry Steve, it’s not your fault.”