The joke thread II

[Platapus]

How far can a dog run into the woods?


Exactly half way, then he starts running out of the woods

[Jimbuna]

What did one candle say to the other?

A: I'll be going out tonight.

[Jimbuna]

An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his cell phone.

"Honey," she says in a worried voice, "please be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the highway."

"Oh it's worse than that," he replies, "there are hundreds of them!"

[Jimbuna]

Two clairvoyants meet. One says to the other: “You are fine, and how am I?

[Jimbuna]

Teacher: "OK class, who will give me the chemical formula for water?"

Pupil: "HIJKLMNO."

Teacher: "What on earth are you on about?"

Pupil: "Well you said yourself yesterday it was H to O!"

[Jimbuna]

An employee complains to his boss, “Sorry boss, but the salary doesn’t even remotely match the effort I put into my work.”

Boss nods, “I know, but we can’t let you starve to death.”

[Jimbuna]

What should you do when you see a spaceman?

You just park in it, man.

[magic452]

There was a recent survey of how women felt about their asses.

10% thought theirs was too skinny,

30% thought theirs was too fat and

60% said he was a good man and they loved him anyway.


Magic

[Jimbuna]

On a train:

“Madam, could you please tell your son to stop imitating me, it’s very annoying!”

“I’m so sorry… Harry! Stop acting stupid!”

[Jimbuna]

Husband approaches his wife, “Jenny, I think I have a problem.”

Jenny smiles at him kindly, “Darling, your problems are my problem also. Trouble shared is trouble halved. Tell me.”

“OK, “ says the husband, “in that case, we got the neighbor pregnant.”

[Jimbuna]

A man in Saudi Arabia was caught stealing hand disinfectant. The silver lining for him is that he will not need hand disinfectant anymore.

[Jimbuna]

Kamikaze pilot instructor:

“OK, listen up, and listen up closely. I don’t want to have to repeat myself to you again tomorrow!”

[Jimbuna]

A nurse says to a new father, “Your baby is very pretty.”

The father looks pleased, “Really? Come on, don’t you say this to everybody?”

The nurse shakes her head, “No, of course not.”

The father wonders, “So what do you say if the baby’s ugly?”

The nurse smiles, “Then I say the baby really takes after its father.”

[Texas Red]

I had a nightmare that my Tik Tok account got banned.

For a second, I was really scared that I had Tik Tok.

[Jimbuna]

What does a cannibal say to the waiter in a restaurant on a cruise ship?

“Please bring me the passenger list.”