The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

My neighbour came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly crapped in her pants.

[Jimbuna]

A man well into his seventies asks his wife: "Mary, doesn’t it make you sad when you see me running after those young girls sometimes?"

"Not in the least, Peter,” replies Mary, “our dog chases cars all the time and there’s also no chance he could manage to drive one!"

[Jimbuna]

A guy asks a woman, “Would you sleep with me for £100?“

“Of course not!” replies the lady.

“Pity,” sighs the guy, “I could really use the money.”

[Jimbuna]

In a bakery:

Man to the shop assistant: “I’ll have that thing there, please.”

Shop assistant: “Cupcake?”

Man: “OK, Cupcake, I’ll have that thing there, please.”

[Jimbuna]

Two mice meet and start chatting. “Look,” says one after a while, “I’ve got a new boyfriend!” and shows a picture on the mobile phone.

“OMG,” cries the other mouse, “that’s a bat!”

“What?! The guy told me he was a pilot!”

[Jimbuna]

I’ve read so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently that I made a new, firm New Year’s resolution: NO MORE READING!

[Jimbuna]

Two blind dudes are fighting really viciously. How do you stop them?

You shout, “I’m betting on the dude with the knife!”

[Jimbuna]

Some nice Chinese couple gave me a very good camera down by the Washington Monument.

I didn’t really understand what they were saying, but it was very nice of them.

[Jimbuna]

A tourist is enjoying the sights from the famous Tashkent tower in Uzbekistan when suddenly a guy in a hang-glider arrives, smashes into the tower and tumbles down to certain death.

Shortly afterwards, a second hang-glider does exactly the same.

The horrified tourist turns to the local guide, asking what on Earth just happened.

The guide shrugs, “You know how it is. Poor country, poor terrorists.”

[Jimbuna]

A guy goes to the doctor: “Please help me doc. I have this horrible blinking in my right eye that I just can’t control.”

Doctor: “Ah come on, it’s not so bad as you think.”

Guy: “Oh, you think?! Every time I go to the pharmacy to get some painkillers, they give me condoms!”

[Jimbuna]

Last night a Chinese guy came to my favourite bar.

I asked him if he knew Kung Fu or some other martial art.

He said, “Why do you ask me that? Is it just because I’m Chinese?!”

“No it’s because you’re drinking MY beer!“

[Jimbuna]

I heard the Secret Service had to change their commands.

They can't say "Get down!" anymore when the President is under attack.

Now it's "Donald! Duck!"

[Jimbuna]

You sneak into my room, unnoticed; you gently touch one bit of my naked body after the other until you find the most desirable place, then you start sucking.



Stupid mosquitoes!

[Jimbuna]

I read the mass chicken farms pump chickens full of antibiotics. Well, that would at least explain why chicken soup is so good when you have a cold.

[Jimbuna]

A question on an internet forum:

Please help, I have this great itching between my toes.

Answer: Well, that depends. If the itching is between all toes, consult a dermatologist. If the itching bothers you only between your two big toes, consult a gynecologist.