The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

“Daddy, what is an alcoholic?”

“Do you see those 4 trees, son? An alcoholic would see 8 trees.”

“Um, Dad – there are only 2 trees.”

[Jimbuna]

Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem?

Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell?

Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door.“

[Jimbuna]

Waiter, there’s a fly twitching in my soup!”

“And what do you expect for the price? A ballet?!”

[Jimbuna]

Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye.

Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking.

[Jimbuna]

Men 1845: I just killed a buffalo.

Men 1952: I just fixed the roof.

Men 2017: I just shaved my legs.

[Jimbuna]

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.

So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”

One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”

So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”

That’s about as far as I remember.

[Jimbuna]

The inventor of AutoCorrect is a stupid mass hole. He can fake right off.

[Jimbuna]

A naked women robbed a bank. Nobody could remember her face.

[Jimbuna]

Mama kangaroo is jumping along the bush. Suddenly, a small penguin peeks out of her pouch, vomits and says, “Damn this student exchange!”

[Jimbuna]

Where do we get virgin wool from?

Ugly sheep.

[Platapus]

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

A naked women robbed a bank. Nobody could remember her face.

Was she armed with a pair of 38's?

[Jimbuna]

Doctor: “Well - Mrs. Smith, it would seem that you're pregnant.”

Mrs. Smith: “Sweet Jesus, that's wonderful, I'm pregnant?!”

Doctor: “I only said that it seems so. Here's our weight loss brochure.”

[Jimbuna]

Why is women’s soccer so rare?

It’s quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.

[Armistead]

My girlfriend and I sometimes like to role play out fantasies. It's been her turn lately. First fantasy, she fantasied I was a black guy. Next I was a cowboy, then a construction worker...

You ever have a bingo moment where you figure it out. I was driving to work this morning and cut the radio on.... at the "Y. M. C. A". I rushed to the museum and got me an Indian headdress, leather thong and a tomahawk. I can't wait to jump out and surprise her tonight!

[Jimbuna]

Wife calls her mother: "Today I fought so much with my husband. I am coming to live with you again.

Mother: No. He should pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.