The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”

Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”

Doctor: “Every two hours.”

[Jimbuna]

I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhoea.

I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.

[Jimbuna]

On a mountain trip a man falls down into a crack. His wife calls after him, “Are you OK?”

“Yeah!”

“Are you hurt?”

“No!”

“Not a scratch? How come?!“

“I’m not done falling yet-et-et-et-et!”

[Jimbuna]

I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay £855 to cover the loss.

I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.

[Jimbuna]

Patient: Oh Doctor, I’m starting to forget things.

Doctor: Since when have you had this condition?

Patient: What condition?

[Jimbuna]

Little Red Riding Hood walks all alone through the deep dark wood. Suddenly she hears rustling in a thick bush. Cautiously she moves the branches aside and finds herself facing the big bad wolf.

"Oh, Big Bad Wolf, why do you have such huge red eyes?"


"Go away! I'm crapping!"

[Jimbuna]

Doctor: “Do you do sports?”

Patient: “Does sex count?”

Doctor: “Yes.”

Patient: “Then no.”

[Jimbuna]

Oh darling, since you’ve started dieting, you’ve become such a passionate kisser…

What do you mean, passionate? I’m looking for food remains!

[Jimbuna]

I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[Jimbuna]

A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.

To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket.

Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops.

After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're home, darling. I'm afraid we have to sleep here tonight, my parents came for a surprise visit."

[Jimbuna]

What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs.

[Jimbuna]

A chubbier woman: Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?

Mirror: “Kindly move aside. I can’t see anything.”

[mikesn9]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually

said in court,

word for word,

taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the

exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about

it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

[Jimbuna]

Mr. Smith: “Doctor, do you remember this strengthening solution you prescribed me yesterday?”

Doctor: “Yes, what’s the matter?”

Mr. Smith: “I would like to use it but I can’t open the bottle!”

[Jimbuna]

Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.

Doctor: Don't worry. Mine too.