The joke thread II

[Platapus]

I was walking with my girlfriend and I noticed her tearing and sniffing.


I asked her what was wrong and she replied "oh it is just the pollen"


I wondered what was so sad about pollen.

[Jimbuna]

A man comes home and yells joyfully: “Honey I won the Lotto! Pack your things for a nice big vacation!”

She asks: “Awesome! Should I pack for warm or cold weather?”

Man beams: “I don’t care. Just be on your way already!”

[Jimbuna]

The guy who gives out food at the prison canteen asks: “Eat here or take away?”

The prisoner frowns: “Not funny, Marlon! Not funny at all!!”

[Jimbuna]

Teacher: “Who do you think invented dancing, children?”

Little Johnny: “My guess is a big Irish family with just one bathroom.”

[Jimbuna]

Two men talking on a bus:

“I’ve been riding this bus to work for 15 years now.”

“Lord Almighty, where did you get on?!”

[Jimbuna]

Doctor says to the patient: “Your coughing sounds much better.”

The patient replies: “And no wonder. I spent a lot of time practicing.”

[Jimbuna]

In a shoe shop:

These shoes might be tight for the next two weeks.

Don’t worry. I’ll start wearing them on the third week.

[Jimbuna]

When you’re dressed all in black and some smart ass asks you who died, simply look around the room and say, “I haven’t decided yet.”

[Jimbuna]

At an interview: “In the beginning, you’ll be earning 20 000, later on it can go up to 40 000.”

“OK, I’ll come again later then.”

[Jimbuna]

Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?"

Me: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening.

[Jimbuna]

– When I drink coffee I can’t sleep.

– Really? I have the exact opposite.

– Wow, seriously?

– Yes, when I sleep I can’t drink coffee.

[Jimbuna]

I have a very good feeling about my job interview today. The manager said they were looking for somebody responsible.

“You’ve found your man,” I responded, “whenever there was a problem in my last job, they always said that I was responsible!”

[Jimbuna]

Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”

Man: “I had to get to work.”

Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”

Man: "I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus."

[Jimbuna]

The police stop an old guy in questionable condition at 1 am.

“What are you doing out so late, sir?” asks the police officer.

“I’m going to a seminar on ‘The harmful effects of alcohol’,” replies the man.

“Are you pulling my leg or something?!“ says the police officer, „who would hold a seminar like that at this hour?!”

The man sighs, “my wife.”

[Jimbuna]

Eva asks Adam in the Garden of Eden, “Adam, do you desire me and me only?”

“Sure thing, baby,” replies Adam affectionately, “who else?”