The joke thread II

[Platapus]

Originally Posted by Jeff-Groves

In 20 years when my Grand kids ask about the toilet paper shortage of 2020?
I'm telling them We had to drag our butts across the lawn.
In the snow.
Uphill. Both ways.
Dodging Murder Hornets!

You had a lawn? Luxury
We used to dream of having a lawn
All we had was a minefield covered in broken glass. But it was a lawn to us.


We were thankful


Not like the kids these days

[Jimbuna]

Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
A: Envelope.

[Jimbuna]

In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

[Jimbuna]

Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
A: It's okay. He woke up.

[Jimbuna]

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"

[Platapus]

What do you call fake potatoes?


Imitaters

[Platapus]

In the Rudolph song, what was the name of the other reindeer that Santa had?


Olive


Olive the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names....

[Platapus]

What is God's first name?


Harold


Our father, who art in heaven
Harold be thy name....

[Catfish]

"Rupert Murdoch, why are you opposed to the EU?"

Rupert Murdoch: "That's easy. When i go into Downing Street they do what i say. When i go to Brussels they take notice." (original quote)

[Jimbuna]

Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"
Student: "A drinking problem."

[Jimbuna]

My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.

[Jimbuna]

A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."

[Jimbuna]

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000." The idiot says, "Okay." The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5. The idiot says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?" The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?" The idiot hands over $5.

[Jimbuna]

Teacher: "Which book has helped you the most in your life?"
Student: "My father's check book!"

[Jimbuna]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"