The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

Two caged circus lions break free and corner a clown in his dressing room. One lion says to the other, "Forget it, those things taste funny."

[Jimbuna]

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

[Jimbuna]

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?," asked the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

[Jimbuna]

Q: Why do milking stools only have three legs?
A: Because the cow’s got the udder!

[Jimbuna]

Did you know there is a species of antelope capable of jumping higher then the average house due to its powerful hind legs and the fact that the average house can't jump?

[Jimbuna]

Why are worms great at poker? They have five hearts.

[Jimbuna]

A bear is chasing a bunny when all of a sudden a genie appears and grants them each three wishes. The bear, being very selfish, wishes that all the bears in his forest were female and instantly it is done. Then the bunny wishes he had a lifetime supply of carrots in his backyard. For his next turn, the bear wishes that all the other bears in his entire nation were female. The bunny wishes for a motorcycle. Finally on the last wish, the bear wishes that all the other bears on the whole earth were female. The bunny wishes that the bear was gay and rides home on his motorcycle.

[Jimbuna]

A snail entered a police station and told an officer, "I just got mugged by two turtles. They beat me up and took all my money!" The officer replied, "Why that's terrible. Did you get a good look at them?" "No sir, it all happened so fast!"

[Jimbuna]

What did the doctor say when a pony came in complaining about a sore throat? "I know what's wrong here; you're just a little hoarse!"

[Jimbuna]

Joe takes his friend Steve hunting for the first time, and reminds him to be still and keep quiet. An hour into the woods, Joe hears Steve screaming behind him. "I thought I told you to be quiet!" says Joe." Hey, I kept quiet when the snake bit me," says Steve, "and I was quiet when the fox attacked me, but when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg just now, I heard one ask the other, 'Should we eat them now or take them with us?'"

[Jimbuna]

A religious woman buys a parrot and takes it home. As soon as she gets the bird in its new cage, it starts hollering, "I'm a whore! I'm a whore!" The lady is embarrassed and asks her minister if she should return the foul-mouthed bird. The minister suggests, "I have a well-behaved male parrot who sits in its cage and prays all day long. Perhaps if we put your bird in with mine, your bird will see the error of its ways and become more pious." The next day, the woman takes her parrot to the minister's house and puts her bird in with the praying parrot. After a few seconds, her parrot starts saying, "I'm a whore! I'm a whore!" The priest's parrot replies, "Come on in honey, that's what I've been praying for!"

[Platapus]

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

[Jimbuna]

Q: What's the difference between a bird and a fly?
A: A bird can fly but a fly can't bird!

[Jimbuna]

Why did the unwashed chicken cross the road twice? Because it was a dirty double crosser.

[Platapus]

Cad: A man who does not tell his wife that he had a vasectomy until after she is pregnant.