The joke thread II

[magic452]

Joe is an avid golfer and a mild mannered guy but one day after coming off the golf course, he goes into church and asks the priest to hear his Confession.

He tells the priest he said a terrible curse word while on the golf course and the priest asks him to tell the details.

Joe begins, "I hit my drive into the woods and it was behind some trees." The priest interrupts and asks, "Was that when you used this curse?" Joe continues, "No, a squirrel came out of the woods with the ball in his mouth and was running away with it."

Again the priest interrupts, "So that's when you cursed?" But Joe goes on, "No, because a big hawk came down and grabbed the squirrel in his claws and flew away with it." The anxious priest jumps in again and says, "Surely now is when you lost it and used the terrible curse word." "No Father because that caused the ball to fall and it landed on a small hill and rolled down to less than a foot from the hole and..."

"DON'T TELL ME YOU MISSED THE #!+#!#! PUTT" shouts the priest.


Magic

[Jimbuna]

Went on a date with a girl and I told her to text me when she got home. It’s been 3 weeks now and I still haven’t got a text, I think she must be homeless.

[Jimbuna]

Q. How do you make a pool table laugh?
A. Reach into its pockets and tickle its balls.

[Jimbuna]

Can’t believe it’s pancake day today.

It’s really crêped up on me.

[Jimbuna]

My Korean girlfriend made a pie from Scratch this weekend. I’m gonna miss that dog.

[Jimbuna]

It’s incredible how many scams are on the internet these days but for only $19.99 I can send video about how to avoid them. Please email money to avoid_internet_scams64@hotmail.com

[Jimbuna]

If you had the choice between being as rich as Bill Gates or having world peace, what color Lamborghini would you buy?

[magic452]

Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.
Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whisky, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight,

the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush

and a large male lion stood facing her.


The wife said, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said Ben, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."


Magic

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the naked woman who robbed a bank?

Nobody could remember her face.

[Jimbuna]

When me and my wife have arguments I always have the last word. Usually those words are ‘Sorry, you’re right’.

[Jimbuna]

Phone rings at 2am.

Husband: Hello, who is this? How the hell do I know I’m not a weather man! *slams phone down*
Wife: Who was that honey?
Husband: Just some guy asking if the coast was clear tonight.

[Jimbuna]

Donald Trump has just released new details about his plan to send illegals back to Mexico. He’s gonna deport them Juan by Juan.

[Platapus]

When I retire I want to move to the town of "Not in Service"


Evidently they have great bus service

[Jimbuna]

The following conversation took place between a mother and daughter.

Daughter: “Mum, am I ugly?”
Mum: “I told you not to call me mum in public.”

[Eisenwurst]

Why'd Mickey Mouse leave home.....

Cause his dad was a rat.