The joke thread II

[Platapus]

If I am in a restaurant and I am waiting for the waiter, doesn't that make me a waiter also?

[magic452]

It was mid-morning at the convent and all the nuns were out except Sister Maria. She decided to take a shower. When she got out she realized with dismay she had forgotten her robe and towel.
Just then she heard someone knocking on the door. “Oh bother, who is it?” she yelled.
”It’s the blind man!” A voice replied.
Well, that will be ok, she thought, and walked over in the ‘all together’ to answer the door.
A surprised looking man stood there with some
boxes and said “Good morning Sister, where would you like these blinds?”


Magic

[magic452]

A group of women who are regulars at Bingo are talking and the conversation turns to how they met their husbands. Several tell their stories and when it comes to one woman she says, "I'm a pharmacist and my future husband came in and asked to purchase condoms in size XXXXL. It was after we married that I realized he stuttered."


Magic

[Jimbuna]

My friend rang me and asked, “What’re you doing at the moment?”

I said, “Probably failing my driving test.”

[Jimbuna]

Last night my wife told me she wanted to do some role-play and aked me to pick any scene from any film. She quickly realised this was a mistake after I shouted “THIS IS SPARTA” and kicked her down the stairs.

[Platapus]

I just released my new pirate video game.


The feedback was that the player character did not look enough like a pirate


I guess I will need a patch for that.

[Jimbuna]

I no longer see my wife and kids and it’s all because of gambling.

I won loads of money and moved to Brazil.

[Jimbuna]

Man: You’re a bit fat aren’t you.
Women: Tell me something I don’t know!
Man: Salad taste’s nice.

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
Rick O’Shea.

[Jimbuna]

1 slice of apple pie:

Jamaica $4.50
Bahamas $6.50
Aruba $3.50
Cayman Islands $10.50

These are the real pie rates of the Caribbean.

[Jimbuna]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that Helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 Years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’

[Jimbuna]

Rap is 75% Crap!

[Eisenwurst]

An old joke.........

2 pirates meet....

"Aaarh matey, where's your buccaneers?"

"On me buccin' 'ed".

[Catfish]

^ Is this as umm *bleep* as i suppose

[Jimbuna]

I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning.

As we were leaving the car park, somebody shouted, “You are an irresponsible father!”

I said, “Who was that? Stop the car, son.”