The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, 'Send one of my bags to New York, one to Los Angeles, and one to Miami.'

She said, 'We can't do that!'

I told her, 'You did it last week!'

[Jimbuna]

A girl yells at her boyfriend, “That’s it, Henry, we’re through!”

“What? You want to break up? Why?”

“I’m sick of you constantly laughing at my weight!”

“Ah darling, please, don’t be like that! Come here, grab these two chairs for yourself, let’s sit down and talk it out.”

[Jimbuna]

An artist asked the gallery manager if anybody asked about his paintings.

"Well, there’s good news and there’s bad news," said the owner. "The good one is that a gentleman liked your work and asked if its value would appreciate after your death. When I said yes, he bought all 20 of your paintings."

"But that’s fantastic," whooped the artist. "What could possibly be the bad news?"

"The gentleman was your doctor."

[Platapus]

Do dogs understand elevators?


Or do they think they are just stepping into the world changing machine?

[Platapus]

There is a "D" in fridge
But no "D" in refrigerator


(scratching head)

[Jimbuna]

My grandpa kept getting at me for years, telling me how I’m hooked on all these ‘electronic gadgets’ and such. Look who’s laughing now – he just had a pacemaker put in.

[Catfish]

Originally Posted by Platapus

There is a "D" in fridge
But no "D" in refrigerator
(scratching head)

The logic of (some) languages

[Jimbuna]

What is yellow and makes moms happy in the morning?

The school bus.

[Platapus]

Woman talking to a pharmacist.



"Sir, does Viagra really work on men?"


"Yes. Ma'am. For some men it works rather well."


"Can you get it over the counter?"


"Yes, Ma'am, but I usually have to take two pills for that."

[Jimbuna]

Do you think there’s no good news about having Alzheimer's?

You can buy and wrap your own surprise presents. Plus you are constantly making new friends.

[Jimbuna]

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your Robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied.
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"

[Platapus]

Q: What were the first words Eve said to Adam in the Garden?


A: Golly, that's a hard one

[Jimbuna]

A guy suspects his wife is cheating on him so he comes home early from work one day. His wife meets him at the door in a bathrobe, her hair a mess. “Where is he?” he demands. “Where’s the guy who’s been sleeping with you?” “I don’t know what you’re talking about, dear,” she answers, so the guy tears the house apart looking for him. Finally he’s on the second floor in the kitchen, he looks out the window and sees a guy sitting in a Volkswagen. “That’s him,” the guy thinks. “That’s the guy who’s been sleeping with my wife!” He’s so furious, he picks up the refrigerator, throws it out the window, has a heart attack, and dies.

St. Peter meets him at the gates of Heaven. “Why are you here?” he asks and the guy answers, “I knew my wife was cheating on me so I came home early. I saw her boyfriend sitting in his Volkswagen out on the street, threw the refrigerator at him, had a heart attack, and died.” St. Peter scowls and says, “You don’t belong here. Go to hell.” He pulls a big lever, a trap door opens, and the guy disappears.

A couple of minutes later another guy comes up to St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. “What are you doing here?” St. Peter asks and the guy answers, “I don’t know! I was just sitting in my Volkswagen, minding my own business, when somebody threw a refrigerator at me!” St. Peter wags his finger at him and says, “I heard about you. You go to hell too!” He pulls the big lever, the trap door opens, and the guy disappears.

A couple of minutes later another guy comes up to St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. “What are you doing here?” St. Peter asks and the guy answers, “I don’t know! I was just sitting in a refrigerator, minding my own business…”

[Platapus]

I often say to myself "I can't believe that cloning machine actually worked".

[Platapus]

I hear that corduroy pillows are making headlines all over the place.