The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

When my brother began his psychiatric practice, his first patient was a particularly good-looking young woman. My brother motioned for her to lie down on the couch, but the woman hesitated until he reassured her that it was part of the therapy procedure. Once on the couch, she smoothed her dress around her legs and began to relax a bit.

“Now then,” he asked, “how did your trouble begin?”

“Just like this,” she said.

[Jimbuna]

A reporter covering the Iowa State Legislature proceedings wore light summer shoes on a day when it snowed, and the following day—a pleasant, dry one—he wore overshoes. A legislator asked him about it. “It’s the effect of being around government,” he replied. “I am now prepared for yesterday.”

[Platapus]

What do clouds wear beneath their pants?



Thunderwear.

[Jimbuna]

One day a man showed up at the office wearing a pair of new shoes made of turtle skin. When a co-worker asked him how he liked them, he replied thoughtfully, “Well, they’re the most comfortable shoes I’ve ever worn but I do have one unusual problem with them. It took me an hour and a half to walk out of the store.”

[Platapus]

What's the best way to catch a fish?



Ask someone to throw it to you.

[Jimbuna]

“My son had to give up his career because of fallen arches.”

“He’s an athlete?”

“No—an architect.”

[Platapus]

Why shouldn't you tell jokes to a duck?



Because they'll quack up.

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear…about the veterinarian who prescribes birth-control pills for dogs? It’s part of an anti-litter campaign.

[Platapus]

What do you call a fake dad?





A faux pas.

[Jimbuna]

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?”

The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”

[Platapus]

Is there anything worse than when it's raining cats and dogs?



Yes, hailing taxis.

[Jimbuna]

“I wish I had enough money to buy an elephant.”

“What on earth do you need an elephant for?”

“I don’t. I just need the money.”

[Platapus]

How many apples can you grow on a tree?





All of them.

[Jimbuna]

While I was making farewell visits before moving to a new parish, an elderly member of the congregation paid me the compliment of suggesting that my successor would not be as good as I had been.

“Nonsense,” I replied, flattered.

“No, really,” she insisted. “I’ve lived here under five different ministers, and each new one has been worse than the last.”

[Platapus]

My manager told me to have a good day.



So I didn't go into work.