The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

Suffering with a herniated disk in his back, my husband told his cousin that a well-respected doctor was treating him. His cousin asked the name of the doctor, and on hearing it, he replied, "I never heard of him—that’s a good sign." The cousin is a medical-malpractice attorney.

[Jimbuna]

Throughout her pregnancy, my wife insisted that she wanted no medication during labour. When the big day came, though, she wondered if she had made the right decision.

Knowing my wifes stance on drugs, the midwife did everything else to ease her pain. "You look uncomfortable," she said at one point. "Would you like to change positions?"

"Yes," my wife replied. "I want to be the midwife!"

[Aktungbby]

[Jimbuna]

The contest was simple: Which department in the hospital where I worked as a doctor could create the best Christmas decorations? While they didn’t win first prize, the members of the proctology department did receive high honours with their distinctive sign, "Christmas is a good time to look up old friends."

[Jimbuna]

When my wife was about to have our first baby, we brought a tape recorder to the delivery ward to capture the sounds of the birth, the baby’s first cry and our doctor’s voice saying, "It’s a boy!" or "It’s a girl!" We intended to use the tape as a fun message on our answering machine to help announce the birth to friends and relatives.

My wife’s labour went relatively smoothly and, when it seemed appropriate, I inserted the blank tape and began recording. Shortly thereafter, our baby was born and we all heard the first cry. The doctor held up the baby and, with tape rolling, loudly proclaimed, "Wow, will you look at the scrotum on him!"

[Jimbuna]

A group of Alaskan housewives had gotten together for morning coffee and, since several of them were pregnant, the talk drifted to babies and doctors.

One of the women announced that she was now going to a woman doctor. "At least," she said, "I’ll be able to depend on my doctor being around during moose season!"

[Jimbuna]

We brought our newborn son, Adam, to the pediatrician for his first checkup. As he finished, the doctor told us, "You have a cute baby."

Smiling, I said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."

"No," he replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."

"So what do you say to the others?" I asked.

"He looks just like you."

[Aktungbby]

Elon Musk and Bill Gates have joined forces to market a new erectile function pill in competition to Viagra.


It will be called ElonGates.......

[Jimbuna]

Following a major hurricane, my husband worked long hours clearing the jumble of trees that littered our property. The longer he worked, however, the more painful it became for him to move his right arm.

He ignored my pleas to see the doctor until one night he yelped, "Ow! This is getting serious." As I turned to him in concern, he added, "Now it hurts to push buttons on the remote control!"

[Jimbuna]

Carol was pregnant with her first child, and her husband was about to leave on a two-week business trip. When Carol went to her doctor appointment, she had some questions.

"My husband wants me to ask you something—" Carol began.

The doctor interrupted her. "I get asked that question all the time," he said in a reassuring tone. "Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that’s not it!" an embarrassed Carol confessed. "My husband wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

[Catfish]

"Does your family pray before lunch?"
"No, my mother can cook."

[Platapus]

When my wife was expecting, I asked the doctor about sexual relations with my wife.


The doctor said it depends on which trimester.


In the first trimester you can have normal sex in what ever position you two desire



In the second trimester you have to do it, "doggie style" so you don't put pressure on her belly.


In the third trimester you have to do it Coyote style.


I asked the doctor what Coyote style was.


He told me it was where I lay by the hole and howl.

[Jimbuna]

While dancing at a party, I tripped and stubbed my toe. Days later, my toe swollen and purple, I went to see a podiatrist. I told him how I hurt myself and admitted to feeling foolish at being so clumsy.

After X-raying my toe, the doctor said he didn’t need to do anything.

Anxious to speed the healing, I asked whether there was something I could do: "Should I soak it? Put it on ice? Is there anything you recommend?"

He smiled and said, "Take dancing lessons."

[Aktungbby]

at my advanced age, any thought of "getting lucky"...is pure phallacy!

[Jimbuna]

Last New Year’s Eve found Bill in the hospital scheduled for an operation to remove hemorrhoids. So while others donned party hats and sipped champagne, Bill wore a hospital gown and swigged painkillers. That’s not to say the holiday spirit was completely absent.

The next day, January 1, Bill woke up to a banner on his bedroom wall. It screamed "Happy New Rear!"