The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

An elephant, an ostrich and a crocodile walk into McDonalds and interrupt a half-naked man eating a burger. The crocodile pulls out a police badge and says, “We have reason to believe you are carrying substances of a hallucinogenic nature, Sir.”

[Jimbuna]

Just got a pizza delivered and they forgot to put mozzarella on it. I’m really cheesed off.

[Jimbuna]

I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”. That should keep my gypsy neighbours on their toes for a while.

[Jimbuna]

Now pay attention, 007; this looks like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it around.

[Jimbuna]

I often say to myself, “I can’t believe that cloning machine worked!”

[Jimbuna]

My favourite text message to send to the wife when I’m out drinking at the bar.

“I’ll be home in 5 minutes… If not… read this again!!”

[Jimbuna]

Just got my best friend a fridge for his birthday.

I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

[Jimbuna]

I sat there with a smile on my face as my girlfriend wrapped her hand around it and started to tug at it. An even bigger smile when she gave it a little wiggle and started moving it around. I couldn’t contain myself when she started using two hands, so I eventually laughed out:

“Here, love, I’ll shift gear for you.”

[Jimbuna]

Interviewer: What’s your main weakness and strength?
Me: Well my main weakness is knowing the difference between truth and fiction.
Interviewer: And your strength?
Me: My main strength is that I’m Batman!

[Jimbuna]

Last night a cinema near me was robbed of over £1000.

The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large drinks and a pack of Skittles.

[Jimbuna]

Me and my girlfriend decided to start trying the whole long-distance relationship thing yesterday.

The police said I have to stay 100ft away from her and I have to stop calling her my girlfriend.

[Jimbuna]

[Mr Quatro]

The Afghan Quarterback


The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!

[Catfish]

^

This is so ...

[Jimbuna]

Most people are shocked when they find out…

I’m a self-taught electrician.