The joke thread II - Page 134

Col7777 · 06-20-20, 12:59 AM

I've got an injured extraterrestrial in my shed.

I called him Alen.

'Cos he's missing an eye.

Col7777 · 06-20-20, 01:00 AM

I'm off to a fancy dress party this weekend disguised as a Tupperware box.

I'm so excited I can hardly contain myself.

Platapus · 06-20-20, 08:34 AM

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Jimbuna · 06-20-20, 02:08 PM

I accidently ate some Christmas decorations the other day and now I have a really sore throat. I went to the doctors and he said it looks like I have tinsel-itus.

Jimbuna · 06-20-20, 02:10 PM

Q:What do you do if your wife keeps moaning at you?

A:Put the phone down and order another drink from the bar.

Buddahaid · 06-21-20, 02:43 AM

I've been married long enough to appreciate that.

Col7777 · 06-21-20, 02:49 AM

For a while Houdini used trap doors in every act.

But it was a just a stage he was going through.

Col7777 · 06-21-20, 02:54 AM

I went drag racing today. It was fun, but I did feel stupid in a dress.

Jimbuna · 06-21-20, 12:16 PM

Yesterday I went through a costly and painful procedure that required me to have my spine and both testicles removed.

Still, I got some fantastic wedding presents.

Jimbuna · 06-21-20, 12:17 PM

Q: Why did the man with one hand cross the road?

A: To get to the second hand shop.

Jimbuna · 06-22-20, 01:16 PM

Knock knock.
whose there?
“Doorbell repair man“

Jimbuna · 06-22-20, 01:19 PM

I wish everyone would stop criticising Jimmy Saville, when I was eight he fixed it for me to milk a cow, blindfolded.

Platapus · 06-22-20, 04:37 PM

I have a nice step ladder

My real ladder left us when I was young.

Jimbuna · 06-23-20, 04:16 AM

What’s the difference between an actor and a politician? An actor has better script writers with more believable story-lines.

Jimbuna · 06-23-20, 04:17 AM

The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day in December.

Wife: “Windows frozen.”
Husband: “Pour some warm water over them.”
Wife: “Computer completely screwed up now.”

06-20-20, 12:59 AM	#1996
Col7777 Grey Wolf Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Manchester UK Posts: 944 Downloads: 260 Uploads: 0	I've got an injured extraterrestrial in my shed. I called him Alen. 'Cos he's missing an eye. __________________ Silent and Violent

06-20-20, 01:00 AM	#1997
Col7777 Grey Wolf Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Manchester UK Posts: 944 Downloads: 260 Uploads: 0	I'm off to a fancy dress party this weekend disguised as a Tupperware box. I'm so excited I can hardly contain myself. __________________ Silent and Violent

06-20-20, 08:34 AM	#1998
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,971 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

06-20-20, 02:08 PM	#1999
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I accidently ate some Christmas decorations the other day and now I have a really sore throat. I went to the doctors and he said it looks like I have tinsel-itus. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

06-20-20, 02:10 PM	#2000
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Q:What do you do if your wife keeps moaning at you? A:Put the phone down and order another drink from the bar. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

06-21-20, 02:43 AM	#2001
Buddahaid Shark above Space Chicken Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 8,561 Downloads: 160 Uploads: 0	I've been married long enough to appreciate that. __________________ "However vast the darkness, we must provide our own light." Stanley Kubrick "Tomorrow belongs to those who can hear it coming." David Bowie

06-21-20, 02:49 AM	#2002
Col7777 Grey Wolf Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Manchester UK Posts: 944 Downloads: 260 Uploads: 0	For a while Houdini used trap doors in every act. But it was a just a stage he was going through. __________________ Silent and Violent

06-21-20, 02:54 AM	#2003
Col7777 Grey Wolf Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Manchester UK Posts: 944 Downloads: 260 Uploads: 0	I went drag racing today. It was fun, but I did feel stupid in a dress. __________________ Silent and Violent

06-21-20, 12:16 PM	#2004
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Yesterday I went through a costly and painful procedure that required me to have my spine and both testicles removed. Still, I got some fantastic wedding presents. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

06-21-20, 12:17 PM	#2005
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Q: Why did the man with one hand cross the road? A: To get to the second hand shop. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

06-22-20, 01:16 PM	#2006
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Knock knock. whose there? “Doorbell repair man“ __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

06-22-20, 01:19 PM	#2007
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I wish everyone would stop criticising Jimmy Saville, when I was eight he fixed it for me to milk a cow, blindfolded. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

06-22-20, 04:37 PM	#2008
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,971 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	I have a nice step ladder My real ladder left us when I was young. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

06-23-20, 04:16 AM	#2009
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	What’s the difference between an actor and a politician? An actor has better script writers with more believable story-lines. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

06-23-20, 04:17 AM	#2010
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day in December. Wife: “Windows frozen.” Husband: “Pour some warm water over them.” Wife: “Computer completely screwed up now.” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)