The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

On New Year's Eve, a woman stood up at a local pub and said it was time to get ready for the midnight countdown. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to stand next to the one person who made his life worth living. As the clock struck midnight, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

[Jimbuna]

There is a husband and a wife. The husband dies, and during the funeral, the wife starts to laugh. Everybody starts to ask her why, and she says, "This is the first time that I know where my husband is going."

[Jimbuna]

A man and woman are sitting on their porch drinking a beer. The man says, "I love you."
The woman says, "Is that you talking or the beer talking?"
The man says, "That's me talking to the beer!"

[Jimbuna]

A young man looking to get married asked his friend. "Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like." "Oh, that's easy," his pal replied, "All you have to do is find someone who is just like your mother." "I did that already," he said, "and that one my father didn't like."

[Jimbuna]

During a bank robbery, the thief's mask slipped off. He fixed it and asked a hostage, "Did you see my face?" The hostage had, so the thief killed him. He asked the next hostage, same result. After he asked a third hostage, the guy responded, "No, but my wife did."

[Catfish]

Imagine your son's name is Allah Akbar.

And you lose him in a mall.

[magic452]

Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would
come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first
to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Marion
, Marion."

"Is that you, Bob?"


"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have
breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex
again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of
more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud -- lots of
greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty
much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's
back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at
night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day
it starts all over again".

"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."

Magic

[Jimbuna]

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?”
The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in my car's glove compartment.”

[Jimbuna]

A lady noticed her friend was wearing her wedding ring on the wrong finger so she asked, "Why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
Her friend replied, "Because I married the wrong man!"

[Jimbuna]

The five most important qualities in a woman: one who is independent and helps around the house, one who can make you laugh, one who you can trust, one who is good in bed, and most importantly, one who should make sure these four women never meet.

[Jimbuna]

A little old lady comes into the kitchen to talk to her husband and says, "Honey just look at me. My legs are heavy, thighs are getting big, and boobs are sagging. I could really use a complement right about now." The husband replied, "You have really good eye sight!"

[Jimbuna]

A man is standing at a grave, staring at the head stone. A second man walks up and asks, "Is this someone you knew?"
The first guy says, "Yes, it was my wife."
The second guy says, "It must be hard to lose a wife."
The first guys replies, "Yep, damn near impossible."

[Jimbuna]

A husband and wife decide they need to spice up their sex life. The wife buys a pair of crotchless underwear, puts them on, and goes into the bedroom. She seductively asks her husband, "Hey Big Boy, do ya want some of this?" The husband takes one look at her underwear and replies, "Hell no! Look what that thing does to underwear!"

[Jimbuna]

A man is at work one day, when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a conservative guy, and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.” The co-worker responds sheepishly, “Don’t make such a big deal out of this, it’s only an earring.” The man falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So how long have you been wearing one?” The co-worker responds, “Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”

[Jimbuna]

A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn. She put his manhood in a vice, secured it tightly, and removed the handle. Next, she picked up an old carpenter's saw. The banged up cheater was terrified and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. You are! I'm gonna burn down the barn!"