The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

A gawky lad from New England came to New York with his girl, and took her to nearby Playland Amusement Park. They had heard a lot about the Tunnel of Love and were especially anxious to try it out. But when they got home, the kids expressed disappointment.

“Shucks,” the boy said, “it was dark and damp and uncomfortable. Besides, we got soaking wet.”

“How come?” asked a friend. “Did the boat leak?”

The kid looked amazed. “There’s a boat?”

[Platapus]

Stupid judge for making me pay


I told him that the sign said


"Fine for parking here"


So I thought parking there would be OK.

[Jimbuna]

On a Miami­ to Chicago flight was a lively youngster who nearly drove everyone crazy. He was running up and down the aisle when the flight attendant started serving coffee. He ran smack into her, knocking a cup of coffee out of her hand and onto the floor.

As he stood by watching her clean up the mess, she glanced up at the boy and said, ‘”Look, why don’t you go and play outside?”

[Platapus]

Supervisor: You have been selected for a random drug test

Me: OK, but this time, I would prefer no meth. Coke is OK though

Supervisor: This test is to determine if you are using any of these drugs

Me: Oh. Never mind then.

Supervisor: Is there something you need to tell me?

Me:

[Jimbuna]

Rushing up to a large airline’s ticket counter, a man gasped, “Miss, please help me. I have to get to Chicago in the worst way!”

The clerk calmly pointed to her left and said, “Sir, that would be the airline next to us.”

[Jimbuna]

In the public library, a man with his new library card questioned the pretty librarian.

“Do you mean to say,” he asked, “that with this card I may take out any book I want?”

“Yes,” she answered.

“And may I take out record albums, too?”

“Yes, you may.”

“May I take you out?” he ventured.

Drawing herself up to her full height, she replied, “The librarians, sir, are for reference only.”

[Jimbuna]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “Okay, now what?”

[Jimbuna]

“Nothing looks good on me anymore,” wailed a customer modeling an outfit in front of the department store’s mirror.

“Nonsense, ma’am,” soothed the salesclerk. “That dress says it all.”

“That’s the problem,” the woman replied. “I need a dress that keeps its mouth shut.”

[Jimbuna]

A man went into a seafood restaurant and asked for a lobster tail. The waitress smiled sweetly and said, “Once upon a time there was this handsome lobster…”

[Jimbuna]

One day the telephone in the office of the rector of President Roosevelt’s Washington church rang, and an eager voice said, “Tell me, do you expect the President to be in church this Sunday?”

“That I cannot promise,” the rector explained patiently. “But we expect God to be there, and we fancy that will be incentive enough for a reasonably large attendance.”

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear they arrested the devil?

Yeah, they got him on possession.

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear the one about…
…the shepherd who drove his sheep through town and was given a ticket for making a ewe turn?

…the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?

…the crustacean accused of promoting his own shellfish interests?

[Platapus]

I just joined the DNA!


National Association of Dyslexia.

[Jimbuna]

Q: How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.

[Jimbuna]

Restaurant patron: “Waiter, I’d like a bottle of wine.”

Waiter: “What year, sir?”

Patron: “Well, I’d like it right now.”