The joke thread

[u crank]

Retired man gets job as Wall-mart greeter. One day a very loud unattractive and mean-acting woman comes in with her two kids. She curses and yells at them very loudly as she comes in.
"Good morning, and welcome to Wall-mart," he says," Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say.
" Hell no they ain't twins. One's nine and the other one's five. What are you, blind or stupid?"
Man replies," No ma'am I'm neither blind or stupid, I just couldn't believe some one slept with you twice"

[BossMark]

A man flops down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie is stained, his face is smeared with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin is sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opens a newspaper and begins reading.
After a few minutes the guy turns to the priest and asks, 'Say, Father, what causes arthritis?' Loose living; cheap, wicked woman; too much alcohol; and contempt for your fellow man, 'answers the priest.' I'll be damned, 'the drunk mutters, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said, nudges the man and apologises.' I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to be so harsh. How long have you had arthritis?'
'Oh, I don't have it, Father. But it says here that the Pope does.'

[Jimbuna]

A man is madly in love with a princess and wants to propose, but an evil witch has cast a spell on him, and now he can say only one word a year. So he waits fourteen years, accumulating all his words, before approaching her.

Finally, the big day arrives. When he sees her, his heart skips a beat. He gathers his nerve, drops to his knees, and says,

"My darling, I have waited many years to say this...will you marry me?"

The princess turns around, smiles, and says, "Pardon?"

[BossMark]

A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.

"Now listen carefully," he told the home-owner, "I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctivly crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on"

"Ok, got it." the home-owner replied. "But whats that shotgun for?"

"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla," the man said, "shoot the Chihuahua."

[Herr-Berbunch]

How do you catch a mouse?

Put some cheese in your mouth and wait with baited breath.

[Jimbuna]

I was working hard at the gym earlier, pumping some serious iron.

Some bloke came up to me and said, "You're gonna be very sore tomorrow, pal."

"It's alright," I laughed, "I'm used to working on my arms."

"I didn't mean your arms," he winked, "I've spiked your Lucozade..."

[BossMark]

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my gerbil."

[Jimbuna]

I want to thank my Scottish friend of the delivery of the Asphalt today.

Ta Mac.

[BossMark]

On the bus Paddy got chatting to Murphy who was carrying a bag on his back
'What's in the bag?' asked Paddy
'I'm not going to tell', replied Murphy
'Go on, do.' pleaded Paddy.
'Ah, all right then, it's ducks.' announced Murphy
'If I guess how many ducks you have in the bag, will you give me one of them?' enquired Paddy
'Look', said Murphy, 'If you guess the correct number, I'll give you both of them.'
'Five!' said Paddy triumphantly.

[BossMark]

O'Connor was sitting in Ward's Irish bar, Piccadilly, London with a large Rottweiler at his feet.
'Does your dog bite?' asks Murphy.
'No,' replies O'Connor.
So Murphy pats the dog who almost rips his arm off completely.
'Hey!' screams Murphy, 'you said your dog didn't bite, O'Connor.'
'That's not my dog Murphy,' concludes O'Connor.

[Jimbuna]

I'm so proud of my African pen friend.

He tells me he hasn't had a drink in weeks. Hang on in there mate.

[Jimbuna]

How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?

Surprisingly, only two.

One to try, then one to ask a bloke to do it.

[BossMark]

Two Irish men, Kearney and O'Riordan were looking at a Mail order catalogue and admiring the models. Kearney remarks to O'Riordan, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?'
O'Riordan replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price.'
Kearney says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.'
O'Riordan, smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea. Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalogue, I will get one too.'
Three weeks later, Kearney, the youngest of the two asks his friend, O'Rordan, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from that catalogue?'
O'Riordan replies with a glint in his eye, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. She sent all her clothes yesterday.'

[Jimbuna]

How come there is a video of a cat at Anfield but there has been a donkey playing there every week in a red number 9 shirt and nobody has noticed???

[BossMark]

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."