The joke thread II - Page 97

Eisenwurst · 01-14-20, 04:04 PM

Did you hear about the shoplifter that stole a calendar?

He got 12 months.

Jimbuna · 01-15-20, 08:52 AM

I told my parents today: “Mum, Dad… I’ve decided to live on my own from now on.” “Okay, cool,” they replied. “Your luggage is outside,” I added.

Jimbuna · 01-15-20, 08:53 AM

The other day my Nan found a lump in each of her breasts. Turns out it was just her knees.

Jimbuna · 01-16-20, 07:59 AM

I got a job as a bounty hunter in China.

Couldn’t believe my luck, every time they put a new wanted poster up, the guy they were after was standing right next to me!

Jimbuna · 01-16-20, 08:01 AM

Saw a man earlier today at the beach shouting “Help, shark! Help!”. It made me laugh, there’s no way he was ever gonna convince a shark to help him.

Eisenwurst · 01-17-20, 04:30 AM

What do Kermit the Frog and Attila the Hun have in common?

They both have the same middle name.

Jimbuna · 01-17-20, 07:59 AM

Convert your sofa into a sofa-bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.

Jimbuna · 01-17-20, 08:00 AM

Instead of wasting money on costly egg timers simply boil your egg to perfection by getting in your car and driving at 60 mph for exactly 3 miles. When you reach the 3 mile mark call your wife and tell her to take it out the pan.

Jimbuna · 01-17-20, 08:01 AM

I went to my doctor and he said he had some good news and some bad news. He said the good news was that he got my test results and I had two days to live. Then he said the bad news was that he has been trying to contact me for two days.

Mr Quatro · 01-17-20, 12:11 PM

A man goes into a bar in Louisiana where there is a robot bartender.

The robot says, “What will you have?”

The guy replies, “Whiskey.”

The robot brings back his drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?”

The guy say, “168.”

The robot continues to talk about physics, space exploration, and
medical technology.

After the guy leaves and the more he thinks about it, the more curious
he gets, so he decides to go back.

The robot asks, “What’s your drink?”

The guy answers, “Whiskey.”

The robot returns with his drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?”

The man replies, “100.”

The robot talks about NASCAR, Budweiser, shrimp creole, and LSU, of course.

The man finishes his drink, leaves, but is still so interested in his
“experiment” that he decides to try again.

He enters the bar and, as usual, the robot asks him what he wants to drink.

The man replies, “Whiskey.”

The robot brings the drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?”

The man answers, “35”.

The robot leans in real close and whispers, “So . . . Do you folks
really think you’re going to impeach Donald Trump?”

Eisenwurst · 01-17-20, 04:21 PM

Transcribed from a bikers magazine of many years ago......

Two employees of a burger chain are in the kitchen molesting an elephant.

The boss sticks his head around the corner.

"Hurry up with the special sauce we got customers waiting".

Catfish · 01-17-20, 04:38 PM

^

Eisenwurst · 01-17-20, 10:47 PM

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre,

So the barman gives her one.

Jimbuna · 01-18-20, 07:29 AM

What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

Jimbuna · 01-18-20, 07:31 AM

I got my wife a get better soon card. She’s not ill or anything but she could definitely get better.

01-14-20, 04:04 PM	#1441
Eisenwurst Silent Hunter Join Date: Jan 2010 Posts: 3,802 Downloads: 58 Uploads: 0	Did you hear about the shoplifter that stole a calendar? He got 12 months. __________________

01-15-20, 08:52 AM	#1442
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,300 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I told my parents today: “Mum, Dad… I’ve decided to live on my own from now on.” “Okay, cool,” they replied. “Your luggage is outside,” I added. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-15-20, 08:53 AM	#1443
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,300 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	The other day my Nan found a lump in each of her breasts. Turns out it was just her knees. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-16-20, 07:59 AM	#1444
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,300 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I got a job as a bounty hunter in China. Couldn’t believe my luck, every time they put a new wanted poster up, the guy they were after was standing right next to me! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-16-20, 08:01 AM	#1445
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,300 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Saw a man earlier today at the beach shouting “Help, shark! Help!”. It made me laugh, there’s no way he was ever gonna convince a shark to help him. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-17-20, 04:30 AM	#1446
Eisenwurst Silent Hunter Join Date: Jan 2010 Posts: 3,802 Downloads: 58 Uploads: 0	What do Kermit the Frog and Attila the Hun have in common? They both have the same middle name. __________________

01-17-20, 07:59 AM	#1447
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,300 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Convert your sofa into a sofa-bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-17-20, 08:00 AM	#1448
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,300 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Instead of wasting money on costly egg timers simply boil your egg to perfection by getting in your car and driving at 60 mph for exactly 3 miles. When you reach the 3 mile mark call your wife and tell her to take it out the pan. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-17-20, 08:01 AM	#1449
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,300 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I went to my doctor and he said he had some good news and some bad news. He said the good news was that he got my test results and I had two days to live. Then he said the bad news was that he has been trying to contact me for two days. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-17-20, 12:11 PM	#1450
Mr Quatro Navy Seal Join Date: May 2013 Posts: 6,772 Downloads: 0 Uploads: 0	A man goes into a bar in Louisiana where there is a robot bartender. The robot says, “What will you have?” The guy replies, “Whiskey.” The robot brings back his drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?” The guy say, “168.” The robot continues to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical technology. After the guy leaves and the more he thinks about it, the more curious he gets, so he decides to go back. The robot asks, “What’s your drink?” The guy answers, “Whiskey.” The robot returns with his drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?” The man replies, “100.” The robot talks about NASCAR, Budweiser, shrimp creole, and LSU, of course. The man finishes his drink, leaves, but is still so interested in his “experiment” that he decides to try again. He enters the bar and, as usual, the robot asks him what he wants to drink. The man replies, “Whiskey.” The robot brings the drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?” The man answers, “35”. The robot leans in real close and whispers, “So . . . Do you folks really think you’re going to impeach Donald Trump?” __________________ pla•teau noun a relatively stable level, period, or condition a level of attainment or achievement Lord help me get to the next plateau ..

01-17-20, 04:21 PM	#1451
Eisenwurst Silent Hunter Join Date: Jan 2010 Posts: 3,802 Downloads: 58 Uploads: 0	Transcribed from a bikers magazine of many years ago...... Two employees of a burger chain are in the kitchen molesting an elephant. The boss sticks his head around the corner. "Hurry up with the special sauce we got customers waiting". __________________

01-17-20, 04:38 PM	#1452
Catfish Dipped Squirrel Operative Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: ..where the ocean meets the sky Posts: 17,819 Downloads: 38 Uploads: 0	^ __________________ >^..^<*)))>{ All generalizations are wrong.

01-17-20, 10:47 PM	#1453
Eisenwurst Silent Hunter Join Date: Jan 2010 Posts: 3,802 Downloads: 58 Uploads: 0	A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, So the barman gives her one. __________________

01-18-20, 07:29 AM	#1454
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,300 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-18-20, 07:31 AM	#1455
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,300 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I got my wife a get better soon card. She’s not ill or anything but she could definitely get better. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!