The joke thread

[BossMark]

Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane:
"I think everyone's asleep, let's go"
"This one's empty ... no-one's looking... you go in first"
"It's a bit cramped - let me sit down"
"Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on"
Sniff sniff
"Ah perfume - you think of everything"
"This is great....." (long sigh)
Static on the loud speaker then a new voice.
"This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations... Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector!"

[Jimbuna]

In the Sun they are offering tickets for £9.50.

So I sent off £9.50 for Portsmouth

Due to a mailing error, they accepted my offer and I now own the whole team.

[BossMark]

After many months of trying to make ends meet, a couple decided that the only way they were going to get any extra cash was to have the old lady start hooking.

Early the next morning the wife came home looking very haggard and worn out. The husband guiltily asked how she did, to which the wife replied that she earned two hundred dollars and 50 cents.

“That’s great!“ the husband replies. “But who gave you the 50 cents?”

“Everybody!” replied the wife.

[BossMark]

Two drunks are waiting at bus stop on O'Connell Street Dublin.
Eventually, a number 13 bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the drunks leans inside and asks the bus driver: 'Will this bus take me to Temple Bar?'
The bus driver shakes his head and says, 'No, I'm sorry.'
At this the other drunk lurches inside, smiles, and slurs:
'Will it take ME?'

[Jimbuna]

I'm so good to my girlfriend.

This year for Valentine's Day I booked the same table as I did last year.

And I might even let her win a frame.

[BossMark]

What did the blonde take to the super bowl?

A spoon!

[BossMark]

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to HR.
Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.

The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice"?

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."

[Jimbuna]

It was hard to come to terms with the death of my wife but eventually the assassin and I agreed on a fee.

[BossMark]

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[Sailor Steve]

The 53-year-old pro football player was being interviewed. The interviewer said "How can you still be playing pro ball at your age?"

The player said "Well, the men in our family have always been long-lived. My dad is seventy-six and still swims two miles every day. Grandpa is ninety-seven and is about to get married for the third time."

The interviewer's jaw drops and he says "Let me get this straight. Your dad swims two miles every day at seventy-six and your grandpa wants to get married again at almost one-hundred years of age?"

The player says "Hold it right there, hoss. I never said grandpa wanted to get married!"

[BossMark]

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home." The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?" The Aussie said "One." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" "£101 237.64" The Aussie replied. The manager choked and exclaimed £101 237.64? What the hell did you sell him?" "Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn"t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki". The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?". "No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said........."Well, since your weekend"s buggered, you might as well go fishing!""

[Jimbuna]

"I want to be a millionaire. Just like my dad!"

"Wow, your dad's a millionaire?"

"No, but he always wanted to be."

[BossMark]

The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of twenty euros costs.
'Now don't let me ever see your face again, 'said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.
'I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir, 'said the released man.
'And why not?' .
'Because I'm the barman at your regular pub.'

[Jimbuna]

After putting on 3 pairs of socks, 6 jumpers, 6 pairs of trousers, 5 wooly hats, 4 scarfs, 2 thick coats and a pair of boots, I waddled outside.

10 seconds later I was laying face down in the snow and I couldn't move.

"You're coming with me" said the Primark security guard.

[BossMark]

At least when it snows my garden looks the same as everyone else's