The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

I saw an old lady in the Tesco car park struggling to load her bags of shopping into her car this morning.

As I walked past her, she said, "Excuse me young man, can you possibly help me?"

"I'll give it a go darling" I said, "What's up?"

She said, "I've been trying to load these bags into my car for about ten minutes or so, my back is killing me, have you got the time?"

I said, "Yes, it's quarter past 11."

[BossMark]

A coach driver is taking a bus load of pensioners on a trip when all of a sudden one of the old dears taps him on the shoulder and hands him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes she taps him again and hands him another handful of peanuts. Just as she is about to hand him the third lot he says, "Why don"t you eat the peanuts yourself?"The old lady replies, "We can"t chew the peanuts because we have no teeth but we do love sucking on the chocolate around them."

[Jimbuna]

I just finished setting up my new internet connection, and got a message on my screen saying, 'Congratulations, you are now connected! If you are using O2 Broadband for the first time, now is the time to get online and enjoy all that speed.'

Fair enough they know I can get online, but how the heck did they find out about my secret stash of amphetamines?

[BossMark]

Liverpool City Council have advised all local shops to replace the "sell by" stickers on fresh produce to "steal by" until the economy improves.

[BossMark]

People are now suing companies like Benson and Hedges because smoking has caused them cancer, Nestle for chocolate that"s made them fat, and more recently McDonald"s because a coffee was served up too hot!So now I"m thinking... I wonder if I could sue Budweiser for all the ugly birds I"ve slept with?

[Jimbuna]

I for one can't wait to see the TV adverts that abortion clinics are now allowed to make:

"Have you had an accident in the last 9 months that wasn't your fault?"

[BossMark]

Little Johnny is in school and it is near Christmas time so the kids are giving presents to the teacher.Little Ross stands up to give his present. The teacher knows his parents are choclatiers. She takes the wrapped present and says, "This is a box of chocolates isn"t it?". Ross says, "Yes miss how did you guess?" and she replies, "It was just a random guess Ross thank you."Little Jenny stands up and the teacher knows her parents work at the local bakery. She takes the present and says, "This is a cake in a tin isn"t it?" Jenny says, "Yes miss how did you guess?" and she again replies, "It was just a random guess Jenny thank you."Little Johnny stands up and gives his present to the teacher. She knows his parents work at the brewery. She sees that the present is leaking so she takes a sip and says, "This is a can of Newcastle Brown Ale isn"t it?" Little Johnny shakes his head. She takes another sip. "Right this is a bottle of Red Wine then?" Again, Johnny shakes his head. She eventually gives in and says, "OK Johnny I give in what is it?"And through his wide smile Johnny says, "A puppy miss!"

[Jimbuna]

Looks like the high winds have blown rubbish all over the pitch at the Reebok.

But enough about Liverpool.

[BossMark]

johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
But she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me
have sex with you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "

She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for £200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
Pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.

She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

[BossMark]

Teacher asks Little Johnny to use the word 'definitely' in a sentence

Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"

To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely pooped my pants then..."

[Jimbuna]

I really don't like my new clutch.

But that's just a matter of a pinion.

[BossMark]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mum. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny,"

He turned to the third Mum. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go".

[Jimbuna]

My wife asked, "Have you ever seen Eddie Murphy's Raw?"

I replied, "No, but I've heard your sisters high-pitched wail."

Well, at least they like my humour down at the homeless shelter.

[BossMark]

Two children were in a doctor's waiting room.The little girl was softly sobbing.

"why are you crying?" asked the little boy.

"I'm here for a blood test,and they're going to cut my finger." said the girl

When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.

"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.

The boy looked at her worriedly and said,"I'm here for a urine test."

[Jimbuna]

Arshavin: The Worst Russian sub since the Kursk