The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

A lady tells the nurse at a maternity hospital, “I want to call my little baby Ellie.”

Nurse replies, “I’m sorry, but that name is already taken, perhaps you can consider naming her Ellie532 or Ellie_153?”

[Jimbuna]

Daddy, there is a man at the door. He says he is collecting for the nursing home.

That's perfect. Tell him grandpa is coming in a moment.

[Jimbuna]

[Jimbuna]

If you need to break up with somebody, the best place to do so is McDonalds. There are no plates or glasses to be broken over your head, no sharp knives or spiky forks, plus you can always hide behind a fat kid.

[Jimbuna]

My Chinese friend got really sick one day and had to go to a hospital.

I went to see him the next day, but he just kept whispering “Chun Yu Yan” over and over – and then died.

I was very sad and googled his last message after the burial. Apparently, it means “You’re standing on my oxygen tube.”

[Jimbuna]

A magician comes to a seniors' home for entertainment afternoon: "Aaaaand? Is everybody heeere?"

Seniors, enthusiastically, "Yeaaaah!"

Magician, winking, "But not for looooong.....!"

[Jimbuna]

Woman at a maternity hospital is in a lot of pain, moaning. The man strokes her back, “I’m so sorry sweetheart that you have to endure this…”

She replies: “Don’t worry Steve, it’s not your fault.”

[Jimbuna]

Doctor, please, my son ate some cement. What can I do?

First of all, don't give him anything to drink.

[Jimbuna]

I discovered my mother in law has weekly sessions with Lucifer himself on how to be even more vicious. I’ve no idea what kind of fees she’s charging him.

[Eichhörnchen]

Hey I just made this up:

Q: What do dolphins like to sing at Christmas?

A: The First Narwhal

[Jimbuna]

A man bought a lie-detector robot that slaps anyone who tells lies. Taking it home, he decided to test it on his schoolboy son.
'What did you do this afternoon?' he asked him.
'I did my homework', his son replied. The robot slapped him.
'Alright, alright- I went round my mate's house to watch a film!'
'What did you watch?' his dad asked.
'Toy Story', his son replied. The robot slapped him again.
'Alright- we watched porn!'
'Porn? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!', his dad exclaimed. The robot slapped him.
Then his wife said 'Ha! He's certainly your son!' The robot slapped her.
The robot is now up for sale.

[Jimbuna]

What do you get when you cross a rabbit and a pit bull?

Just the pit bull.

[Jimbuna]

A doctor tells a patient, "Sir, you are highly contagious and must be placed in isolation. Until we get in contact with the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, your diet will consist of pizza and fried eggs."

"Will that help me get better again?" asks the patient.

"Not really. But it's the only thing we can shove in under the door."

[Jimbuna]

Mother: Son, why aren't you talking to Mark anymore? You used to be really good friends.

Son: Well would you like to talk to someone who is kind of stupid, is using drugs and is drinking alcohol every day?

Mother: Of course not!

Son: Well neither would he.

[Jimbuna]

A guy asked at a skydiving school, "If the chute doesn't open and the reserve doesn't open either, how long until we hit the ground?"

The instructor looked at him and said, "The rest of your life."