The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some road-kill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.

[Jimbuna]

I’ll never understand how you can come up second in a biathlon. I mean – you’ve got a gun, haven’t you?!

[Jimbuna]

A man wakes from a coma. The wife changes out of her black clothes and irritated, remarks, "I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!"

[Jimbuna]

Patient: "Doctor! Doctor! Help me - I cannot feel my legs!"

Doctor: "Don’t panic, that’s perfectly normal. It’s because I amputated your arms!"

[Jimbuna]

A meeting of the “Castrated Anonymous”

High-pitched male voice: "Welcome. I hope you all arrived safe and sound."

Deep male voice: "Yes."

High-pitched male voice: "You in the second row, please leave the room right now."

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale.

Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.

[Jimbuna]

What animal has five legs?

A pitbull returning from a playground.

[Jimbuna]

The doctor gave me one year to live. So in the heat of the moment, I shot him. And the judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

[Jimbuna]

Excuse me, how do I get to the hospital quickly?

Just stand in the middle of the road for a while.

[Jimbuna]

A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken.

The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, “Nothing special really... We just tell them they're going to die...”

[Jimbuna]

I took my wife’s family out for biscuits and tea.

They weren’t very happy about having to donate blood though.

[Jimbuna]

A doctor tells a patient: “I’ve a good and a bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?”

Patient: “Oh no. The bad one, please.”

Doctor: “It appears I amputated the wrong foot, sorry.”

Patient: “And the good one?” asks the shaken patient.

Doctor grins: “There’s a guy who’s very interested in buying your shoes!”

[Jimbuna]

Why did Lisa fall of the swing?

Because she had no arms.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Well, not Lisa, that’s for sure.

[Jimbuna]

A chubbier woman: Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?

Mirror: “Kindly move aside. I can’t see anything.”

[Jimbuna]

Doctor: And how is it going with your old ailment, Mr Smith?

Patient: Very well, I’ve been divorced for half a year now.