The joke thread

[BossMark]

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"

Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her.

To which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"

[BossMark]

I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic."
Thank god I only drink every night.

[Gargamel]

Originally Posted by Sailor Steve

So "hand" gliding wasn't a typo...






Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 1,392:

1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed...

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently,

4 to complain that they were happy with the old one,

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs,

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs,

53 to flame the spell checkers,

156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list,

41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames,

109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb,

203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped,

111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list,

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique,
and what brands are faulty,

27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs,

14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs,

12 to flame the AOL users for violating netiqutte and blame them for starting this whole thing,

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that "are relevant to this list, which makes light bulbs relevant to this list,"

45 posts about weather or not AOL should even be allowed to exist,

33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too,"

12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy,

19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three,"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ,

1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup,

47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here, and 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

*whether

[Dowly]

[mookiemookie]

Q: What do you get if you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?

A: About halfway there.

[Jimbuna]

How do you make a Pirate angry?

Take the P out of him.

[Sailor Steve]

Originally Posted by Gargamel

*whether

1. I copied and pasted. I didn't double-check.

2. I posted that almost six months ago. You finally noticed today?

[Jimbuna]

Scientologist: "How many scientologists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
Stranger: "I dont know , how many scientologists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
Scientologist: "With a $5000 donation the answer will be your's"

[Gargamel]

Originally Posted by Sailor Steve

1. I copied and pasted. I didn't double-check.

2. I posted that almost six months ago. You finally noticed today?

Just started reading the thread today.

[Jimbuna]

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn't dead it is just afriad to move.

[Sailor Steve]

Originally Posted by jimbuna

Scientologist:

Sounds like one I made up myself a couple of decades ago:

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Give me a thousand dollars retainer and I'll look into it for you.



Anyway, here's an oldie.

A Protestant, a Catholic and a Christian Scientist all die and go to Hell.

Protestant: "Oh, my faith was misplaced. I'm going to be here for all eternity!"

Catholic: "I wasn't that bad! This has to be purgatory! I wonder how long...?"

Christian Scientist: "I'm not here and it's not hot!"

[BossMark]

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I"ve got a special game for you. I"ll do absolutely anything you want for £300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?". He pulls his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays six fifty pound notes on the bar and says slowly: "Paint... My... House."

[BossMark]

"What do you mean by coming home half drunk," screamed the angry wife.
The husband shouted back, "it"s not my bloody fault - I ran out of money."

[Jimbuna]

I can't say I ever truly got over coming 2nd in the World Sausage Eating Championships.

To come so close and just miss out is a fate I wouldn't even wish on my wurst enemies.

[u crank]

Two friends, Jim and Steve liked to go fishing on weekends. They were not very lucky at this sport but enjoyed the fresh air and company. As usual they drove out to the marina at a nearby lake and rented a boat. On this day however their luck seemed to have changed. To their surprise they had soon caught their limit, and got ready to sail back in. Steve noticed Jim looking around and asked why. Jim said "to bad we couldn't mark this spot for next week". Steve dug into his tackle box, took out felt pen and put a large X on the bottom of the boat. Jim shook his head,"that's only going to work if we get the same boat".