The joke thread - Page 87

Jimbuna · 01-09-12, 04:33 PM

'Hi, do you do take-aways?' I asked the local Chinese restaurant on the phone.

'Yes we do, how can I help?'

'Oh good ... what's 12 minus 5?'

u crank · 01-09-12, 07:34 PM

Two married lady friends meet once a week for coffee and chit chat. Their conversations cover a wide range of topics and one day sex came up. First lady, trying to be as modest as she can, says her husband is a kind and considerate lover and she is quite satisfied. Second lady, a little annoyed, replies, my husband's idea of foreplay is to yell, "Brace yourself honey!"

Sailor Steve · 01-09-12, 10:43 PM

That reminds me...

Italian Foreplay: "Hey, you awake?"

Jewish Foreplay: Forty years of begging.

BossMark · 01-10-12, 03:42 AM

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.

The next week the lady goes back to his office. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!"

The doctor says, "Good, Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

Jimbuna · 01-10-12, 07:24 AM

What does a Chinese man with one leg and a car have in common?

Both rely on a clutch to get anywhere.

Sailor Steve · 01-10-12, 10:46 AM

@ BossMark: You've already told that one.

Herr-Berbunch · 01-10-12, 11:41 AM

And it didn't take SS to spot it either.

Jimbuna · 01-10-12, 11:52 AM

I am a highly successful, well-known and respected electrician.

I owe much to my father's advice. "Stay grounded, son", he always used to tell me.

BossMark · 01-10-12, 12:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sailor Steve

@ BossMark: You've already told that one.

Oops

I"ve just received news that my partner is carrying our first child.
He"s eight years old,and he"s always been a lazy little bastard.

Jimbuna · 01-10-12, 12:46 PM

Antony Worrall Thompson's new recipe sounds good:

A pinch of this and a pinch of that!

BossMark · 01-11-12, 03:23 AM

One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.

But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.

Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"

The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."

He soon falls asleep.

Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.

Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest."

Herr-Berbunch · 01-11-12, 07:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jimbuna

Antony Worrall Thompson's new recipe sounds good:

A pinch of this and a pinch of that!

I've only heard about this on the radio, but I can imagine at least one of the headlines ran: Ready, Steady, Crook.

Jimbuna · 01-11-12, 08:27 AM

Antony Worrall Thompson says he is getting help for his shoplifting.

Next time his brother is coming along to keep an eye on the security guard.

Herr-Berbunch · 01-11-12, 10:23 AM

Who takes the second shot in snooker?

Find out after the break.

Herr-Berbunch · 01-11-12, 10:30 AM

A professor at a university was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks,
'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "Ah Sheesh, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

01-09-12, 04:33 PM	#1291
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,379 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	'Hi, do you do take-aways?' I asked the local Chinese restaurant on the phone. 'Yes we do, how can I help?' 'Oh good ... what's 12 minus 5?' __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-09-12, 07:34 PM	#1292
u crank Old enough to know better Join Date: Dec 2011 Location: Prince Edward Island Posts: 11,750 Downloads: 136 Uploads: 0	Two married lady friends meet once a week for coffee and chit chat. Their conversations cover a wide range of topics and one day sex came up. First lady, trying to be as modest as she can, says her husband is a kind and considerate lover and she is quite satisfied. Second lady, a little annoyed, replies, my husband's idea of foreplay is to yell, "Brace yourself honey!" __________________ “Two possibilities exist: either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying.” ― Arthur C. Clarke

01-09-12, 10:43 PM	#1293
Sailor Steve Eternal Patrol Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: High in the mountains of Utah Posts: 50,369 Downloads: 745 Uploads: 249	That reminds me... Italian Foreplay: "Hey, you awake?" Jewish Foreplay: Forty years of begging. __________________ “Never do anything you can't take back.” —Rocky Russo

01-10-12, 03:42 AM	#1294
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office." The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week. The next week the lady goes back to his office. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!" The doctor says, "Good, Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-10-12, 07:24 AM	#1295
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,379 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	What does a Chinese man with one leg and a car have in common? Both rely on a clutch to get anywhere. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-10-12, 10:46 AM	#1296
Sailor Steve Eternal Patrol Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: High in the mountains of Utah Posts: 50,369 Downloads: 745 Uploads: 249	@ BossMark: You've already told that one. __________________ “Never do anything you can't take back.” —Rocky Russo

01-10-12, 11:41 AM	#1297
Herr-Berbunch Kaiser Bill's batman Join Date: May 2010 Location: AN72 Posts: 13,203 Downloads: 76 Uploads: 0	And it didn't take SS to spot it either. __________________

01-10-12, 11:52 AM	#1298
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,379 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I am a highly successful, well-known and respected electrician. I owe much to my father's advice. "Stay grounded, son", he always used to tell me. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-10-12, 12:46 PM	#1300
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,379 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Antony Worrall Thompson's new recipe sounds good: A pinch of this and a pinch of that! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-11-12, 03:23 AM	#1301
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach. But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case. Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?" The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it." He soon falls asleep. Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach. Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-11-12, 08:27 AM	#1303
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,379 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Antony Worrall Thompson says he is getting help for his shoplifting. Next time his brother is coming along to keep an eye on the security guard. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-11-12, 10:23 AM	#1304
Herr-Berbunch Kaiser Bill's batman Join Date: May 2010 Location: AN72 Posts: 13,203 Downloads: 76 Uploads: 0	Who takes the second shot in snooker? Find out after the break. __________________

01-11-12, 10:30 AM	#1305
Herr-Berbunch Kaiser Bill's batman Join Date: May 2010 Location: AN72 Posts: 13,203 Downloads: 76 Uploads: 0	A professor at a university was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?' About 90 students raise their hands. Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands. That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?' About 15 students raise their hand. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' Three students raise their hands. That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?' Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.' The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?' Ahmed replied, "Ah Sheesh, from way back there I thought you said Goats." __________________