The joke thread - Page 79

Jimbuna · 12-10-11, 08:58 AM

Wondering what to do with that leftover turkey carcass at Christmas?

Take it to bed and pretend you're David Beckham.

BossMark · 12-10-11, 10:39 AM

I was out until six this morning celebrating my wife"s birthday.
She was bloody livid when I got home!

BossMark · 12-10-11, 10:59 AM

Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, " says the genie. The American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in America was forever made fertile for farming. The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France. The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall. The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out." The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."

Jimbuna · 12-10-11, 01:03 PM

I took a vase to get valued on the Antiques Roadshow, and they told me it was 'absolutely priceless'.

Well, I got 4 quid for it at a car boot sale last weekend. Who's laughing now?

Jimbuna · 12-11-11, 09:25 AM

Yesterday, I told my wife: "You know you were walking in your sleep again, right?"

She looked at me, totally shocked and surprised.

Then I started laughing and told her I was just kidding.

I don't think she appreciated that joke, by the angry way she was tapping on her wheelchair.

BossMark · 12-11-11, 09:37 AM

Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers.
"Since when do you wear womens pants?"
"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

Scurvy · 12-11-11, 10:19 AM

What's Mary short for?

She has no legs.

Jimbuna · 12-11-11, 10:54 AM

Just saw an advert for a seamless bra.

Personally I think I'm a bit of a see-more bra kind of guy.

BossMark · 12-11-11, 11:50 AM

Q. Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
A. Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.

Jimbuna · 12-11-11, 11:55 AM

I've got some Harry Potter DVDs going cheap.

They're a Quid each.

BossMark · 12-11-11, 12:04 PM

Q: What English word has no equivalent in the French language?
A: Gratitude.

Jimbuna · 12-11-11, 12:22 PM

What do Scousers put in their stockings at Christmas?

Their heads.

BossMark · 12-12-11, 06:48 AM

Man walks into a shop in Liverpool, Can I have a pair of tights for my wife?
Shop assistant: Certainly Sir, what size head are you?

Jimbuna · 12-12-11, 07:46 AM

I was doing a crossword today and I said to my wife, "Six letters...another word for a broad road in a town or city? I still haven't got it!"

"Avenue?" she said

"No," I said, "I haven't, stop rubbing it in."

BossMark · 12-12-11, 12:04 PM

I thought I hadn"t been paying my wife much attention recently so, as it was her birthday on Friday, I decided I would give her a ring as a present.
Amazingly that started another row.
Because I rang her from the pub.

12-10-11, 08:58 AM	#1171
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,203 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Wondering what to do with that leftover turkey carcass at Christmas? Take it to bed and pretend you're David Beckham. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-10-11, 10:39 AM	#1172
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I was out until six this morning celebrating my wife"s birthday. She was bloody livid when I got home! __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

12-10-11, 10:59 AM	#1173
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, " says the genie. The American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in America was forever made fertile for farming. The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France. The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall. The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out." The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

12-10-11, 01:03 PM	#1174
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,203 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I took a vase to get valued on the Antiques Roadshow, and they told me it was 'absolutely priceless'. Well, I got 4 quid for it at a car boot sale last weekend. Who's laughing now? __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-11-11, 09:25 AM	#1175
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,203 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Yesterday, I told my wife: "You know you were walking in your sleep again, right?" She looked at me, totally shocked and surprised. Then I started laughing and told her I was just kidding. I don't think she appreciated that joke, by the angry way she was tapping on her wheelchair. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-11-11, 09:37 AM	#1176
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers. "Since when do you wear womens pants?" "Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!" __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

12-11-11, 10:19 AM	#1177
Scurvy Bosun Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 67 Downloads: 9 Uploads: 0	What's Mary short for? She has no legs.

12-11-11, 10:54 AM	#1178
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,203 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Just saw an advert for a seamless bra. Personally I think I'm a bit of a see-more bra kind of guy. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-11-11, 11:50 AM	#1179
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Q. Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney? A. Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

12-11-11, 11:55 AM	#1180
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,203 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I've got some Harry Potter DVDs going cheap. They're a Quid each. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-11-11, 12:04 PM	#1181
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Q: What English word has no equivalent in the French language? A: Gratitude. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

12-11-11, 12:22 PM	#1182
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,203 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	What do Scousers put in their stockings at Christmas? Their heads. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-12-11, 06:48 AM	#1183
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Man walks into a shop in Liverpool, Can I have a pair of tights for my wife? Shop assistant: Certainly Sir, what size head are you? __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

12-12-11, 07:46 AM	#1184
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,203 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I was doing a crossword today and I said to my wife, "Six letters...another word for a broad road in a town or city? I still haven't got it!" "Avenue?" she said "No," I said, "I haven't, stop rubbing it in." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-12-11, 12:04 PM	#1185
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I thought I hadn"t been paying my wife much attention recently so, as it was her birthday on Friday, I decided I would give her a ring as a present. Amazingly that started another row. Because I rang her from the pub. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now