The joke thread - Page 78

Jimbuna · 12-07-11, 04:36 PM

I just opened my door to a huge fat girl.

She said, "I'm here about your add in the paper."

I said, "Yeah I'm sorry love, the add says flat mate not fat mate."

Jimbuna · 12-07-11, 08:42 PM

"Heard about the new FIFA achievements?"

"Score a goal with Torres?"

"Nahh, even harder than that! Beat Crystal Palace and qualify for the last 16 of the Champions League with Manchester United"

Jimbuna · 12-08-11, 08:14 AM

My sat nav's broken. It can't find Manchester anywhere in Europe.

Hottentot · 12-08-11, 11:23 AM

The Winter War ends. A young journalists wishes to interview a veteran about his experiences after the war.

"What was the first thing you did when you came home from the front, sir?" The journalist asks.
"I drank booze", the veteran grunts.
"Well, uh, what did you do after that" The embarrassed journalist tries again.
"F%@¤&^ with wife", the veteran grunts again.
"Um, OK sir", the blushing journalist looks elsewhere. "What did you do after that?"
"Took off the skis."

Jimbuna · 12-08-11, 11:47 AM

Did you realise that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes" and a man's "I'll be home in five minutes" are exactly the same?

BossMark · 12-08-11, 02:18 PM

My younger brother"s really happy today - he"s leaving home to do an apprenticeship with Man Utd.
We"re going to say he"s in prison for rape.

Jimbuna · 12-08-11, 06:47 PM

Satnav. Where would we be without it?

BossMark · 12-09-11, 12:26 AM

I had to laugh after the match tonight- the commentator said
" There won"t be anyone celebrating in London tonight!
"Who the hell is he trying to kid- Thats where most of the Man Utd fans are from.

Morts · 12-09-11, 01:46 AM

Who won the first tour de france ?
7th Panzer division

Jimbuna · 12-09-11, 06:51 AM

A woman who is worried about her husband phones him
Woman: "Where are you she asks"
Man: You know the shop with the diamond necklace you wanted but i couldnt afford at the time and i said i would get u it for xmas
Woman: omg yes babe

Man: Im in the chicken shop next door to it

Jimbuna · 12-09-11, 06:53 AM

To anybody who's scared of this wind, just imagine how those poor little spiders must be feeling.

And to anybody scared of spiders, they're flying now.

BossMark · 12-09-11, 02:21 PM

Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father." "The teacher asked, "How much is 2x3?" I said 6," replied BILLY.
"But that"s right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me,
"How much is 3x2?"" "What"s the BLOODY! difference?" asks the father? "That"s what I said!"

Jimbuna · 12-09-11, 04:57 PM

Two types of pasta are sat on a shelf in the supermarket.

One turns to the other and says,

'What are you so depressed about?'

The other pasta says,

'I don't know, I guess I'm Cannelloni.

BossMark · 12-10-11, 06:07 AM

Alex was five; all his Christmas presents were always signed, 'from Father Xmas.'
A little while after Alex had opened all his presents on Xmas morning, we became aware that he was looking quite down in the mouth for no obvious reason.
'What's the matter, Al?' I asked.
'Ummmm', replied Alex slowly, 'I really hoped that you and Mummy would give me something for Xmas'.

GoldenRivet · 12-10-11, 06:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BossMark

Alex was five; all his Christmas presents were always signed, 'from Father Xmas.'
A little while after Alex had opened all his presents on Xmas morning, we became aware that he was looking quite down in the mouth for no obvious reason.
'What's the matter, Al?' I asked.
'Ummmm', replied Alex slowly, 'I really hoped that you and Mummy would give me something for Xmas'.

cheap bastards

12-07-11, 04:36 PM	#1156
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,106 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I just opened my door to a huge fat girl. She said, "I'm here about your add in the paper." I said, "Yeah I'm sorry love, the add says flat mate not fat mate." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-07-11, 08:42 PM	#1157
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,106 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	"Heard about the new FIFA achievements?" "Score a goal with Torres?" "Nahh, even harder than that! Beat Crystal Palace and qualify for the last 16 of the Champions League with Manchester United" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-08-11, 08:14 AM	#1158
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,106 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My sat nav's broken. It can't find Manchester anywhere in Europe. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-08-11, 11:23 AM	#1159
Hottentot Sea Lord Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: My private socialist utopia of Finland Posts: 1,918 Downloads: 4 Uploads: 0	The Winter War ends. A young journalists wishes to interview a veteran about his experiences after the war. "What was the first thing you did when you came home from the front, sir?" The journalist asks. "I drank booze", the veteran grunts. "Well, uh, what did you do after that" The embarrassed journalist tries again. "F%@¤&^ with wife", the veteran grunts again. "Um, OK sir", the blushing journalist looks elsewhere. "What did you do after that?" "Took off the skis." __________________ Хотели как лучше, а получилось как всегда.

12-08-11, 11:47 AM	#1160
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,106 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Did you realise that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes" and a man's "I'll be home in five minutes" are exactly the same? __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-08-11, 02:18 PM	#1161
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My younger brother"s really happy today - he"s leaving home to do an apprenticeship with Man Utd. We"re going to say he"s in prison for rape. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

12-08-11, 06:47 PM	#1162
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,106 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Satnav. Where would we be without it? __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-09-11, 12:26 AM	#1163
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I had to laugh after the match tonight- the commentator said " There won"t be anyone celebrating in London tonight! "Who the hell is he trying to kid- Thats where most of the Man Utd fans are from. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

12-09-11, 01:46 AM	#1164
Morts Admiral Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Denmark Posts: 2,395 Downloads: 23 Uploads: 0	Who won the first tour de france ? 7th Panzer division

12-09-11, 06:51 AM	#1165
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,106 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A woman who is worried about her husband phones him Woman: "Where are you she asks" Man: You know the shop with the diamond necklace you wanted but i couldnt afford at the time and i said i would get u it for xmas Woman: omg yes babe Man: Im in the chicken shop next door to it __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-09-11, 06:53 AM	#1166
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,106 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	To anybody who's scared of this wind, just imagine how those poor little spiders must be feeling. And to anybody scared of spiders, they're flying now. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-09-11, 02:21 PM	#1167
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father." "The teacher asked, "How much is 2x3?" I said 6," replied BILLY. "But that"s right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me, "How much is 3x2?"" "What"s the BLOODY! difference?" asks the father? "That"s what I said!" __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

12-09-11, 04:57 PM	#1168
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,106 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Two types of pasta are sat on a shelf in the supermarket. One turns to the other and says, 'What are you so depressed about?' The other pasta says, 'I don't know, I guess I'm Cannelloni. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

12-10-11, 06:07 AM	#1169
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Alex was five; all his Christmas presents were always signed, 'from Father Xmas.' A little while after Alex had opened all his presents on Xmas morning, we became aware that he was looking quite down in the mouth for no obvious reason. 'What's the matter, Al?' I asked. 'Ummmm', replied Alex slowly, 'I really hoped that you and Mummy would give me something for Xmas'. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now