The joke thread

[BossMark]

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He"ll shut up once you let him in.

[BossMark]

Paddy O'Murphy goes to a carpenter. "Can you build me a box that's two inches deep, two inches wide and 50 feet long?"

"Well," says the carpenter, "it could be done, I suppose, but what would you be wanting with a box like that?"

"Well" said the Irishman, "my neighbour moved away and forgot to take a few things with him -- and he asked me to send him his garden hose."

[Jimbuna]

David Beckham came up to me and said, "I've got a bone to pick with you."

Yep, I'll always remember the time he came into my dating agency, stating his special requirements.

[BossMark]

Mick and Paddy were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground.
Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jez, that look like Sean" to which Paddy replied "No Sean was taller than that"

[Jimbuna]

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair.

So she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

[BossMark]

There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with death, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I"m chopping down the next tree I see. I don"t care whether it"s decorated or not!"

[Jimbuna]

I think Andy Carrol should get a signing on fee.

£85 pound every fortnight.

[Hottentot]

Finland is celebrating independence day.

[Jimbuna]

A brave knight fought a ferocious battle with a dragon until with a mighty strike, the dragon was decapitated. Suddenly, it transformed into a rock band and began to sing Merry Xmas Everybody. The beast was Slade.

[Jimbuna]

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."

[BossMark]

Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are discussing family.
Englishman says, "My son was born on St.George"s Day so I called him George!"
"What a coincidence!" says the Scotsman, "My son was born on St.Andrews Day so I called him Andrew!"
"Jaysus!" says the Irishman, "That"s bloody amazing!, wait "til I go home and tell our Pancake!!!

[Jimbuna]

I keep imagining I'm holding an invisible pack of cards.

No one knows what I'm dealing with.

[breadcatcher101]

My wife at last fixed those holes in my socks--now I can't even get my feet into them.

[Jimbuna]

I think there is something wrong with my fire as its not working properly.

It's probably the flue.

[BossMark]

The 7 Dwarves are in a cave when it suddenly collapses.Snow White is worried for their lives,until she hears a voice from inside the cave saying "I think David Cameron is a great Prime Minister".She says,"Thank heavens,at least Dopey"s all right!"